the life I always wanted

I havent written anything in this in a while. I dont want to forget which I seem to, or maybe I just have a false sense of hope. Life has been fine lately. Jobs fine, moneys fine, fixed the house up, back in the gym, kids are great. Only issue I have is finding a girl but I have a few that are into me. Ive been propositioned for sex by 5 girls this year so far. Where were they when I was young! The issue is Im just not into them or anyone for that matter. I guess its not a big deal and my friends remind me that Ive always been this way. Ive always been in a relationship and never was the casual sex/date a bunch of girls type. Even when I had a few diffrent girl friends like 11 years ago, they were all old girlfriends or girls I knew a long time.

I slipped up and gave the ex wife my number last week. She was walking down the street coming from court and I talked to hear about her sisters ex fiance dying. She was sober and appologized for everything and congratulated me on being a good dad. She said she thinks of me every day and asked if I would give her a second chance if she got better. She has a sponsor for teen challenge and wants to do 18 months of inpatient. This all seemed great. The appologizes were like crack to me, I loved them. I gave her my business card. She came by Monday and Tuesday and calls me alot now.

Last nite, her appologizes disappeared, she blamed me for everything, and started to say all those hurtful lies about me(abuse, neglect, cheating, ect.) which are true......true that she did them to me. She kept saying what a good girl she was and how she does nothing wrong. Her boyfriend was listening to us unknown to me. I defended myself, spoke of all the things she did. I said not only did you get charged with child neglect 6x, send the kids to foster care, drink and drive with them, cheat on me.....but you cheat on him. I named dates when she did and described the lies she told.

So, he found out and threw her out. He called me to see if it was true. I told him all sorts of things which he didnt know. He told me how she destroys his home(she described him as a dirty scumbag), eats all the food and pukes it up(she said she cooks everynight for him) and how she hangs at the neighbors every day. Turns out she smokes crack now with the neighbor.

This guy is an enabler just as I was. I provided an enviorment for her to drink and handled everything for her. She had a car, computer and cell phone. Her job paid for her alchol. She will find another one to enable her. I cant fix her, I cant even help her. I spent the night on the phone, instead of being with my kids. After they went to bed, I shouldve watched the playoffs with my friends who are good to me. I sat by myself and smoked pot because I was upset.

I need to remeber this. I hurts to remember but it prevents me from repeating my mistakes. She is a mistake.