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benzhead Change is good.

I got sucked in.

Oct 30 2011

I havent written in awhile, I was actually embarrassed. Embarrassed that I put so much effort into the ex-wife. When she came for help, I couldnt say no. Part of me knew she wouldnt go away, part ofme cared too much to just throw her to the wolves. She was begging for help. Ive never seen a person in such rough shape I truely feared she would die.

It was easy at first, she was in a locked facility for 2 weeks(mental health wing at a detox) and couldnt really call. Then she went to a 90 day program. Again, she could barely call(pay phone) and I could control the interactions. Her dad would send money and I would bring her stuff. I would just give it to the staff and leave. Then I had a visit with her, she was lonely and I was the only one who would go. she looked amazing. Reminded me of the girl I married. she was soo nice. The bipolar seemed almost gone.  When she got her first day pass I picked her up and all I wanted to do is have sex. Immediately after would come the guilt and anxiety of what now.

It was wrong of me. Too much for us. She became obsessed with getting me back, I was still mad about everything but wouldnt say it. I would hate her then like her, felt bipolar myself.

I started to notice all the bipolar stuff again. Selfish, mood swings, anger outbursts. Just not to me. I was a new relationship again. I brought her stuff and got her out of there. not often either, every week or 2. 

Once she got into a sober house on Sept 2(my b-day) it got slowly worse. She could come and go as she pleased and call whenever.  We went to church but stopped having sex. She reunited with the kids. Then she meet a guy at group. I instantly started getting attacked. If I said anything, attack. If I told her she would find a job, attack. Encourage her, attack. She began to bring up the past and say I brought it up. When I found out about him because she opened her email infront of me so I could help her, I said whos this and she freaked out.

Now she cant see the kids because I cant be around her and cant drive an hour in the car with her. I could deal with another man, he seems ok, but she screams at me. She wants to be relieved of guilt by blaming me. Shes a devote christian and the guilt makes her crazy. I think this man sparked a mania. She had one over the summer(attacking house mates and family) but she didnt direct it at me so I didnt notice it as much.

Im sad. I thought she was healing, she just not drinking. What a horrible disease. She doesnt even know shes sick. She hates me soo much. She hated her mom and dad all summer, yet weve done everything for her. We tell her shes forgiven and beautiful, that makes her mad. We(the whole family, her parents too) had wanted to spend Thanksgiving together with her and the kids.  Just the 4 of us because everyone else is travelling. We havent been together since 12/27/09 in the same room. I hate this shit.

Previous diary posts by benzhead:
Comments (1)Add Comment
written by sososad51, October 30, 2011
Benz, don't be hard on yourself. Who can blame you for wanting your wife to get better and be a family? You have normal emotions. You want what is best for your family. This is not your fault. You have done everything you could. This disease is so horrific. All the destruction it leaves in its path is just unreal and tragic. Hugs to you.

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