The inner workings of my mind.

 thought that i was kinda doing ok...but everytime i hit a dry patch...it just comes back...I WANT TO FUCKING HURT MYSELF!!! I miss [nicole], i miss alice, i miss throwing up, i miss wearing black, i miss feeling dead...i miss hurting...i miss my depression...i FUCKING MISS MYSELF! i have to be honest...i really just cant lie any more...
i dont want to be ok, i dont want to be happym there is nothing int it for me...i dotn know it, happiness. I want to be lost again, i want to feel something again...i want to have my secrets back...i want to be alone, hidden from the world...i want my power back...i really wish i could have nicole be the girl i thought she was..i wish she had lied to me..i wish i had been ok with her as she was...i probably made her life a living hell, and i probably couldnt see any of what i had done to her. or to alice.
I have stopped talking to her, i say because i doint want to deal with the drama, but i think that the real reason i am not talking to her is that i let myself be exsited about the apartment, i letmyself rely on her and she did NOT deliver...i let myself be hurt, again. so i just wont let her near me anymore...maybe forever. i dont want her to be close to me, i dont want the connection back...it was dead from the very start...i just was fooling myself...
i am kidding myself with this all.
i want to be skinny, i am not happy with myself, i want to starve, i want to weigh nothing, and i want to throw up everything that i ever eat...i am loosing my control over my self...i ate SO FUCKING MUCH today! and i fucking hate myself for it!!!! GOD DAMN ME!!!
PLEASE SOME ONE TAKE ME OFF OF THIS EARTH< TAKE MY LIFE AWAY, I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE!!!
that is what i shouted to the skys when i tried to kill myself...i act as iff i cant remember anything...but i can, almorst everything...i really wish it had worked that night...i wish i had killed myself that night...november 10th, 2008.
now it is past my experation date! and i am FUCKING SCARED! to hurt myself...because i KNOW i canttot have marks on my arms when i am working on the play...i told diana about my eating issues...and about my self harm...i dont want to stop. I dont want to give up my self harm, my cutting, my comfort.

what people see when they meet me is
an 18 year old high school graduate
a lifeguard
an actress,
happy,
bright,
light
having so much potential
a survivor
messed up
putting up a facade
surrounded by people who love me,
together
smart
academic achevivments


what they dont see,
pain
misery
tourture
sorrow
anguish
hurt
anger
frustration
self lothing
self hatred
self distruction
self harm
low self esteem
no self confidence
sad
hidden
lost
dead
numb
barely making it
going through the motions
unhappy
a cutter
a fucked up little girl
I wonder how many people know that ibring my razor with me everywhere i go...i wonder if they know that i am prepaired to use it at any moment? if they know that underneath my bubbily persona i am dying? that i can barely breath alot of the time? that i know that i have lost myself to my life...to my self...but that iam still floating...my carcass just drifting down the river of life...waiting to fall over the edge of the waters edgeedge

i wonder if they would stick around if they all knew what i do at night...wat i want to do all the time...i wonder...but they cannot know...or they will all leave and not comeback...i wonder what they would think of svetlana, if they knew the real me...no one can know my secrets...because then they will run...forever and then never return...
im just a fucked up little girl...adn this is my solution, my cure.

i have to go now...mom and dad are home.
talk to you later.

maybe i should start writing when i am not feeling this crappy,  all everyone can see from everything is how sad i am...but alot of the time i am perfectly normal...sorta...ya know?