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ASO1979able"MDJ to me is a safe haven, it's a place where I can be myself and admit my feelings without being ridiculed and made fun of. It's a place where I feel like part of a family instead of an outsider. I feel like my feelings and thoughts are safe here." (ASO1979able)

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TruNature101

The inner workings of my mind.

So i hope to write whatever may be on my mind at any given point in time. Hopefully this way i will be able to write and develop an open approach to looking at what is going on in my head.
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FUCK! how could i be sooo stupid??!!!

Feb 04 2009

WHY ON EARTH DID I THINK THAT HE WOULD BE ANY FUCKING DIFFERENT THEN SHE WAS???????? 

damnit!!!! FUCK!

i just cant fucking learn from my god damned mistakes can i??? what once wasntenough times to be hurt by relationships...i had to go for round two three four... and now...

i finally decided that girst were my problem, that i should just not fucking date them,  for all the drama, and mind games...but now...johnny.  we have been dateing for about 2 months...a little under...and just this week, he has been very moody, and distant.  even mean.  and i dont understand what i am supposted to do!!!  

i keep trying to make shit work out. 

but EVERY TIME i just end up hurt, or alone...or broken even more hen i was to start out with.

i just fee llike,  conner, he was my last hope at boys,  and that went to hell,  then i was with trish for fucking YEARS before i reallized that she was fucked up, and how she was abusing me, and my mind...and so right after i got out of the deadly relationship with trish...i start up with johnny.

and im gay.  i just thought to myself...why the fuck not?  ive got nothing to loose.  and it worked.  he makes me happy. its care free, and not complicated.  but it just seems like he has been slipping away,  like something is happening to the relationship, but im not included on what it is...and i feel like i am just something to look pretty,  to be there when he wants...but yea,  i dotn know,  its not a sexual relationship...hell fucking no after what happened in the last one, no way in hell am i letting myself get THAT close to another ..    but i just feel fucking betreayed.  like i thought he wouldnt hurt me,  but why then do  hurt now?  and i fucking sound like a broken record.  iver hurd myself say thing time and time again.  what is wrong with me?



Previous diary posts by TruNature101:
Comments (1)Add Comment
written by Mishy, February 04, 2009
Hmmmm, maybe something is going on with johnny, like he is having some issues that he is dealing with and perhaps cannot verbalize them to you? Have you tried to talk to him about it? Maybe he needs some space?
I have been hurt a lot too in past relationships, but oftentimes it was because I was only seeing my side and I never gave them the chance to tell their side or I never took the time to really understand it. It's not easy trying to see the world through someone else's eyes!

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