|Feb 04 2009|
WHY ON EARTH DID I THINK THAT HE WOULD BE ANY FUCKING DIFFERENT THEN SHE WAS????????
i just cant fucking learn from my god damned mistakes can i??? what once wasntenough times to be hurt by relationships...i had to go for round two three four... and now...
i finally decided that girst were my problem, that i should just not fucking date them, for all the drama, and mind games...but now...johnny. we have been dateing for about 2 months...a little under...and just this week, he has been very moody, and distant. even mean. and i dont understand what i am supposted to do!!!
i keep trying to make shit work out.
but EVERY TIME i just end up hurt, or alone...or broken even more hen i was to start out with.
i just fee llike, conner, he was my last hope at boys, and that went to hell, then i was with trish for fucking YEARS before i reallized that she was fucked up, and how she was abusing me, and my mind...and so right after i got out of the deadly relationship with trish...i start up with johnny.
and im gay. i just thought to myself...why the fuck not? ive got nothing to loose. and it worked. he makes me happy. its care free, and not complicated. but it just seems like he has been slipping away, like something is happening to the relationship, but im not included on what it is...and i feel like i am just something to look pretty, to be there when he wants...but yea, i dotn know, its not a sexual relationship...hell fucking no after what happened in the last one, no way in hell am i letting myself get THAT close to another .. but i just feel fucking betreayed. like i thought he wouldnt hurt me, but why then do hurt now? and i fucking sound like a broken record. iver hurd myself say thing time and time again. what is wrong with me?
hmm, im a graduate!
ptsd not intresting post--.just symptoms.
well...here goes nothing
numb to it all
i feel liek hurting myself ---possibly triggering-...
hmm, whatever my fingers need to say
hmm, jan 19th, 2009?
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