|Jun 21 2008|
I know I have previously kind of touched on my anger on how we are treated having this illness. I have had it since birth, been diagnosed with all kinds of other illnesses and then I miraculouslyrecovered from these illnesses. I have been told I had Juvenile Rhumatoid Arthritis, severe depression, bi polar disorder, eating disorders, drug addict, and many more.
It infuriates me not no end that I have gone pretty much all of my life with out knowing what was really wrong with me, but always being assumed a drug addict and a hypochondriac! I am sure some of you know just how badly it feels to have someone accuse you of being a hypochondriac or a drug addict or that the pain is "all in your head"!
I hate pain management doctors with a passion due to the fact that the one jerk I saw gave me friggin epidural injections promising me that it would ease my pain..when in all reality it didn't do shit but cause me to have a reaction to an ingredient in the injection..therefore causing me more pain! He also tried Cymbalta on me and that didn't do anything for me either. I have taken Lyrica a long time ago and it did nothing for me but I was only taking 150mg three times a day.
I am still really angry though because I feel that every time I go to the doctor even though I have a diagnosis, that I am going to seem like I am there for drugs only, but why should my quality of life suffer due to the fact that I can't get anything to help ease my pain. I take all these meds which have caused me to gain a ton of weight and with the pain working out is no longer something that I want to do, walking causes my feet to be miserable and ache something fierce if I walk anymore than a block. I can't do anything that I could three years ago, I had constant pain but not like this..not like this at all. I am disgusted with myself, I feel undesirable to my husband, i look at myself and I don't see the woman I was three years ago! I see this larger shell of a woman that I once use to be. And all of this is causing me depression.
How do they expect us to live like this? How do they expect us to take care of our families like this, how do they expect us to have any quality of life? I wish that my doctor would get this pain so that maybe she would understand what I feel and what I go through on a regular basis. I use to be in the United States Army for crying out loud! I use to be in tip top condition and now I am unrecognizable to myself!
I feel weak, I feel cheated, I feel desperate, I feel ashamed, I feel angry, I feel a lot of things that even trying to put to words there are not any that can explain truly what I feel. How can there be so many of us that are hurting so badly but yet there are so many who are even unsure of what this is, and there are some doctors who refuse to admit this illness even exists. Why with all of the progress that medicine has made..why are we still left with questions and no answers? Why are we left without adequate control of this? Why do we have to suffer humiliation from our pharmacists and the drug stores where we get our medicines? Why do we have to continually feel like our life really sucks?
Ugh I am really mad now and I think this is by far one of my longest rants to date..but still I have so many questions and no answers no relief and still I would love to have even just a part of the woman back that I use to be!
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