alone and desperate

just lately things have been going down hill, well to be more exact they've been all over the place, im cycling more rapidly then normal and my voices are pestering me more then usual, im stressedout from studying and exhausted because everything i do is usually a race or such a slow pace i cant keep up with either.

but my depression is so low, i've been thinking about my existance alot and whether or not i really do exist because alot of the time i feel so numb and so dead inside that it doesn't feel normal.

last year i went mute for 5 weeks, i cant remember how itt started but its starting to get harder to talk now and i know i cant allow that to happen as they will move me out. by that i mean at the unit im staying are some general 6 bed flats which share everything other then their rooms but i have just been moved into one of the independent flats which is self catering and i love it, but its making it hard to be honest and open about everything because im afraid they'll pull me out and im woried about disapointing them all.

i feel so scared and teary all the time and things never look right. sometimes i sit there with bad movies playing out in my mind and at other times i sit there staring into space and nothing comes into my mind.

everybody hates me and i know that i am unwanted and im all alone, psychology is bringing up all the stuff that is still so raw in my mind mostly about my childhood and how i missed out on so much.

i feel so neglected and i dont know how to make all the Sh*t stop happening in my brain. i thought i had friends but even they keep there distance or use me for there own purposes, everyone usually does in the end, i dont know why i bother. i dont know why im still here. i dont know anything anymore.