the book of change

i'm crashing.  oh yeah.   though that isn't the best word to describe the process.  it sounds to fast. too immediate. too big and loud and dramatic.  what i am doingright now is none of those things.   i am crumbling.   crumbling under the weight of my own existence.  under the weight of all the times i replied, 'good' when asked how i was.  under the weight of sucking in my gut and standing tall and acting pleasant.  under the weight of wishing for what i don't have.  under the weight of my own ambivalence. 

 i feel yukky.   ate toooo  much last night and then into the cookies at work this morning ... and not just one or two but eight.  probably.   a big handful anyway.   this whole week has been messed on me.

 not sleeping well.  headachy.   couldn't get to the gym on Wednesday so missed one of my favourite classes.   AND ... after seeing a friends facebook status about her wedding aniversary, i realized the significance of 2011 in regards to my own wedding aniversary.  but you don't celebrate milestone anniversaries once your husband has left you.  it's been so many years since he left me and i am more than okay with it but the thought that if we had kept it together, if we hadn't split, this would be our 30th aniversary still has an impact on me.    the weight of my solititude, my aloneness is part of what crumbles my resolve.

but i know i will bounce back.   i've done this a hundred -nay a thousand- times before.   i will wallow in my crappiness for a day or two and then  ... say Sunday morning, i'll get up and get to the gym and find my resolve, and start again.    it's what i do.