|May 23 2012|
I have so much to write about and so little time. I had an okay day today and it ended on a sour note. I am so tired of being chided for everything that happens in our home.
It's nowraining outside and it's also raining in my heart. Why? I really don't know. Yesterday was such an awful day and the day before that. It seems that I go through hell about every other day. When my partner gets in a mood, I have to listen to all the mistakes that I have made the past 17 yrs. This too, happens about 4 times a month. She blames me and us for everything that has happened to her. She even has the nerve to blame us and the stress we have caused her for her breast cancer. She says that us living together, me and 2 daughters, contributed to her cancer. Have I ever blamed her for my diabetes? Never. She has total recall of every conversation people have had with her. She says she doesn't hold grudges, but she keeps throwing our little and some major arguments in my face. Or I have to hear about all the people she feels has hurt her. I know I am not explaining this very well, but that's okay.
I am so sad right now. So exhausted. The other day, she told me to quite blaming clinical depression on forgetfulness and other things that I do or don't do. She doesn't understand how hard I try to stay above it. I had a bad day the other day and she got angry with me. So, I tried to lay down. I didn't want to go anywhere and she followed me into the bedroom and continued to chide me about clinical depression and that she doesn't think that I even have it. That I am laughing and eating things that I shouldn't. I do the laughing because I get chided for not having fun whether I am up to it or not. I wish I knew how to explain it to her so I wouldn't have to explain it to her again. When I talk to her about it, she says that she's depressed also and that I don't know the meaning of depression. WOW! At least she knows why she's depressed. I wish I did. She will turn around and tell me that I do know. I can't keep bantering back and forth with her. So, I let her believe that I do.
I don't even have my own voice. When calling someone, if I don't say things like she wants or I forget to mention something, she gets upset. I am always trying to figure out what doesn't upset her. The other day she even told me that she is sick of my mood swings. What is a relationship for? To be there for your partner no matter what. Our love has gotten us through so much and it continues to do so, I just don't know how much more I can handle. Sometimes I wish I could just go away. I wish I could be in the hospital for awhile. Sometimes, I really wish I could spend sometime to myself. No partner, no daughter and no obsessive dog barking. I am in a mood and maybe tomorrow will be a good day. I have to continue to believe this. The tears are starting now. Gotta go for now.
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