|May 04 2010|
The loneliness and hurt just surprises me all at once sometimes. I was pulling weeds in my sister's yard today, just thinking as I was working. And suddenly, I realized that I was crying. Hard. I have so much guilt in my heart right now. I feel like I've failed. I feel like I should have been able to stay, no matter how bad things were. I mean, so many of you stayed for years and years, abiding, hoping. Some of you are still staying. I couldn't even make it to our first wedding anniversary. I wish I could have been stronger. I wish I could have endured without being crushed so easily and so completely. I never ever thought I would be 25 and divorced. I never thought I would be ANY age and divorced! I thought that I could endure anything and be committed through any storm. I just never imagined that the storm would BE my husband!
I just wanted him to love me. That's all I ever wanted. I would have done anything to make him love me. I tried everything I could think of. But it was never enough. I was never enough. It hurts so much knowing this truth: my husband doesn't love me. Maybe he thought he did at one time, but love is more than just a declaration. It's something we communicate with our actions. And he communicated hatred, not love, every day. It breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes every time I think it. And I can't keep from thinking it sometimes.
It hits the worst late at night. I can't fall asleep until the wee hours, no matter how early I got up. I stay up watching tv and messing around on the computer, trying to keep my mind busy, because if I go to bed before I'm to the point of barely being able to keep my eyes open then I just end up just laying there thinking...and thinking...and thinking...and sleep gets further and further away...and a lot of times I just start to cry. But sometimes, even when I keep my mind busy, the loneliness and hurt creeps in around the edges, and I start to feel it crushing me. When everyone else is asleep and it's just me and my thoughts and whatever distractions I can find for myself... well, night time is the worst.
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