Diary Entries for swtagor

I'm an orphan.Sorta.

swtagor

I have not written in my journal for awhile, and I have not signed onto MDJ in FOREVER. I have no good news to report, sadly. I still have not been able to go back to work, and the only time I haveeven stepped foot outside has been to put used clothing at my door for pick up. My last trip to the grocery store was in November? Yikes!

I cant say I have been depressed. I think I have become accustomed to staying home and made my little life around it. I get up, eat (most days) [...]

I'm an orphan.Sorta.

swtagor

I cant say I have been depressed. I think I have become accustomed to staying home and made my little life around it. I get up, eat (most days) [...]

Haven't written in awhile....

swtagor

I haven't written in awhile and I felt the need to write how I have been feeling the past couple of months..

so... let's see.. I think I am finally understanding agoraphobiaand have an idea how to deal with it. Thank Goodness. I have been feeling better. Still not going out as much as I should, but I also have been able to control my panic/anxiety while I am home. I have changed my eating habits and I find that it makes a big difference. I am not using much suga [...]

Feeling Sad and No Motivation

swtagor

How else can I describe how I am feeling? I am so sad and have absolutely no motivation to do anything. It seems for the past month I barely can move out of bed and into the living room. All I wantto do is sleep. I just don't want to be awake anymore. What is the purpose? I am not motivated to do anything. I feel like I have lost everything and it is to hard for me to get back to who I once was. It is depressing. I have ideas about where I want to go and things I want to do, but I just ca [...]

Moving On, Feeling Better and Other Stuff

swtagor

This week was a very productive one. I guess it is true what the say, You must take the first baby step in order to move on too bigger steps.

I finally am getting out of the houseand I am not at all nervous about it. THANK GOD! - I was truly worried what others would think of me, especially my neighbors. I saw a few of them. One asked me how I was doing and where i'd been. I explained that I was having "back troubles" - no need to go into my agor-depression fun [...]

My Trigger!

swtagor

Good Morning :)

As you all know, if you have been following my life these days, I am in the process of trying to understand my agoraphobia and getting back on my feet. Although my interviewdid not go as planned yesterday, I made alot of progress getting out of the house and driving.

My plan for today was to go on another interview. I woke up pretty excited and not with any anxiety... UNTILL..

I find that my mother is a HUGE trigger for me. I am not exactly [...]

Driving, My Interview, And Mcdonalds..

swtagor

And... so...

I was up at 7am. In the shower by 8 and at 930 I called someone to give me a jump start. I was ok up intill that call for the jump. I started to get nervous, suppose I couldn't stay with the guy and had to go back inside, YADDA YADDA. I gave myself 10minutes and I called them. They took about an hour to come. I was fine, they jump started me. Up till this point my only goal was really to have the car started. I didn't want the pressure of the interview. 1 thin [...]

Ladies and Gentlemen,.. I went outside! :)

swtagor

The title says it best, I FINALLY went outside, and oh how good it felt! I was so nervous at first, just getting dressed to go outside. (I needed to make sure my car started for tomorrow, sadly it didntand I have to get a jump start in the morning.) BUT, I made it OUT!!! YAYYYY!!! It was great to sit back in my car, even if the poor key wouldn't start the car. All I wanted to do was drive away! I look forward to the morning, getting my jump start and going on my interview! :)

Panic = False Alarm in your Brain

swtagor

I was thinking about panic. What is it really? It seems to me that panic is really your brains way of telling your body to get out of a situation that it fears may endanger you. Sometimes we are not actuallyin a bad situation, yet we panic. I feel we need to control this little alarm in our brain. We have to teach it to only panic when needed. We can control all situations and the panic is not needed on a 24/7 basis. What will come, good or bad, we can deal with... Im going to hit the snooze bot [...]

Guess who cut her hair?

swtagor

We'll.. I did it, I cut my hair. Step one! Ok I didn't go to the salon, but I think I did just as good a job as they do. My hair is a few inches shorter in a lovely bob. I will blow it out and then use my straighter. :) I didn't dye it, but heck, grey hair shows that I'm nobel. At least that is what someone once told me. And if they don't like me, then they shouldn't hire me! I am me, and that is all I can be! I'm 34, agoraphobic and a freaking great person! :)&nbs [...]

Thoughts, Feelings, and Other Stuff..

swtagor

We'll... here it is, Sunday night. I'm feeling pretty ok. I some panic today, but it was not so bad. I still have not been able to get out. I think it would be alot easier for me if I livedin an area where I could just go outside and not be seen. I worry a lot about what others will think of me, and I know I really shouldn't. Maybe its an excuse for me not to go outside? Probably so. I was always a pretty strong person up till this "agor relapse" - I know I can do, I gue [...]

Whatcha think?

swtagor

Today is day 1 of Baby Steps. What will I do? I think I will sit out on my balcony for awhile. I'm not sure why, and maybe who ever reads this feels the same way.. Do you ever feel guilty when you go outside and see your neighbors? It's been so long since they last saw you and you fear what they will think of you? Am I alone is thinking this? I know its stupid and who really cares what people think..but I can't help it. :(

Whatcha think...

Sometimes You Just Need a Few Extra Days..

swtagor

Although today did not go as planned, I still feel it was a good day and I am not beating myself up about not going on the interview. I am not prepared. I woke up this morning, tired, but refreshed. I really feel I could have pushed myself to go. Why didn't I? I guess I just needed a few extra days. I still haven't gotton my car inspected and the fear of getting a ticket loomed over my head. Other than that, My anxiety was not bad at all today. It probably has something to do with the [...]

The Night Before..

swtagor

Today was a very unproductive day. I managed to do NOTHING. I slept for most of the day and the times I was awake I was in worry/panic mode.

Tomorrow is the interview and I am so not prepared. I am mentally drained and don't feel ready. I know I have to go, but I am not sure that I can. It is so hard to even go to the store these days, let alone go in and interview with 3 different people. Why did I put myself into this situation? I honestly didn't think I would get a [...]

Yet again... I couldn't do it..

swtagor

My plan for my car inspection failed once again. It wasn't so much panic that held me back. I was up till 3am, when I finally fell asleep I kept waking up wondering if it was time to get ready. When 7am rolled around I was beyond tired from not being able to sleep. I had a sleep hang over and all I wanted was to curl up into a ball. And thats what I did. I feel like absolute shit. Now that I'm finally awake I know I should have gone. How am I supposed to go to the interview tomorrow i [...]

Counting the hours..

swtagor

So, I'm still pretty excited about getting the call for my interview. I have my car scheduled @ 7:30am and I really hope I can go. Actually, Let me say I WILL GO! I don't have any choice butto go. I might panic, sure. But I doubt it will be so bad that it will not be tolerable. I can do this.

The car inspection is one step to getting back to "normal" again. I can no longer stay in my agoraphobic funk. Sure, I will always have setbacks, but I need to get out [...]

The Call.

swtagor

The call I wanted to come, yet dreaded coming happened today.

I applied for a job with a wonderful company and I actually got a call back. Now what do I do? Will I be able to go on the interview? I'm freaking out and it was just a call. They want me to interview in 2 days and I am so not prepared. I need so much to be done. My car for one is not inspected, so I cant drive it. I look like CRAP, I'd have to have my hair done. AND I HATE the salon. These tasks are probably so [...]

This just sucks..

swtagor

Today was such a terrible day. I feel so alone and disconnected from the rest of the world. I find myself just counting the hours. My panic is getting so bad I cant seem to leave my room. It's been so long since I've been outside I've pretty much given up on the fact that I will ever be able to go outside again. What has happened to me? Why have I let this phobia take over my life.

I just wish there was a way for me to get over it all ready. But each day I make a plan [...]

Being Home....

swtagor

It has been quite sometime since I wrote in my journal. I wish I could say things have gotten better, but sadly they are only worse.

The last time I left the house was back in January. It is now May. The last time I smelled the air outside it was so cold and now the weather is absolutely wonderful and I don't know how to start going back into the world again.

I have so much shame about being home for so long. The apartment community I live in is very small an [...]

Journel Day 2

swtagor

Today I decided I was going to venture to the grocery store. I figured if I went out early I could be the rush of people. I got into the car and Mom was off to put our movies into the mailbox. I cleanedoff the car (it was alittle icy this morning) and wondered, Where in the world is Mom?

I decided to drive over to the mailbox, and she was walking back towards me. She gets in the car and tells me "She'd fallen" - I got so upset! I was trying so hard to get to the sto [...]