Surviving

My name is Jay, but most my friends call me Sauce, I'm originally from Ireland, but I moved to NY when I was 10, and just moved away from my family to CA last December. I'm about to turn 16pretty soon, and I'm an abuse survivor. I was repeatedly physically and verbally abused by my father. But when I turned 10, right after my father lost custody of me and I was sent to NY to live with my mom, I was gang raped by a family member and his friends. The rapes continued until last year. My 15th birthday was the last time it happened. So this will be the first abuse free year of my life :D

 Anyhow, I'm having a tough time dealing with the rape and the physical abuse. You see, I have severe PTSD, and since my father's death in April, that part has been acting up A LOT. And I'm afraid to sleep because I relive different parts of abuse (most times the sexual abuse) in my "dreams". It's like I can't escape, even after a year of nothing happening to me. It makes me wonder if I'll ever go back to "normal". 

Not that I even know what that is. I've been abused since I can remember, not sexually, but it still messes you up, I promise. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I don't know where to go or what to do. I'm unbelievably effed up.