|Sep 02 2011|
In tragedy I shine bright able to extend a smile , a hand, support and kindness. It appears so easy, but it is an arduous task to stay on point while my demons boil just below the surface likea witch's brew. Everyone sees me as a rock, an anchor, but I am anchored in a cess pool of fears, anxiety and self deprivation. I see myself week, not a good person, a failure and I am not sure what else since it seems so often to blur.
I am however, able to put my mask on for everyone. the show must go on. I apply my invisble grease paint do my warm up and I am ready for center stage. All my BP symptoms fall to way way side it is show time. And when the world is your stage, your performance must be bigger than life.
The realityis that no one ever seems the damaged you. It is so neatly package and filed away one must get through layers of amor to get a glimpse as to the real me and that is even not accurate since it is still a firm part of the protective layers.
Bravado keeps me intact. I am able to give unconditionally of myself with out a a thoought only afterwards do I realize that i have over extended and burnt my self out. Now is my recovery as the last of the flood waters recede and people have or are picking up the pieces now is my regr
so close but so far
been a while
keep getting blind sided, damn yesterday was 4 mon...
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sick and tired of everything!!!!!