Stopping the roller coaster

It has been a long time since I have been to this site.  It was nice to be able to come back to my diary and remember how things were.  How difficult it was to break free from the madness.  And to see how far we have come.

J has been sober nearly 5 months and has been in an Oxford house (sober living house) for nearly 4 months.  Our relationship since he was released f

J is going to be discharged on Friday.  I am terribly anxious about his release.  I have told him that I do not know when I will be able to see him again.  I don't want to see himuntil I feel like I am able to do so in a completely detached way.  I have made a lot of progress in the past 26 days, but do not feel like I am entirely there yet. 

The recovery cen

I can hardly believe 20 days has already passed and am starting to get anxious about him leaving rehab.  Last week, I told him that I would not be visiting him anymore and I have stood by that.  However, yesterday and today I find myself missing him terribly.  I know that he only brings me pain when I see him, but somehow, I still miss him.  I know I have to stay strong for whe

I visited J on Sunday with our son and it was terribly difficult on both of us.  After the visit, Ben was not himself and did not sleep much that evening.  During the visit, even though J andI had agreed to not discuss our relationship while he was there, he insisted on re-iterating to me that he does not know if he wants a romantic relationship with me and that he is not committed to me

J checked himself into a 28-day alcohol and drug abuse recovery program today.  I payed his deductible to get him in and some have said that I should not have done that.  However, I genuinelyfeel like I did the right thing.  Finally, I feel peace again and it has been a long damn time since I have had this feeling.  I can focus on myself and Ben and don't have to worry t

On Sunday he was literally begging to move back in and I consistently said 'no' to him over the course of several days.  He had an assessment done at a local inpatient rehab facility thisweek and will be starting next Thursday.  I have many mixed emotions around this.  The first emotion was definitely relief.  I have known he needs rehab for some time now and it is g

Everyone predicted it and I knew it would happen -- J is begging to move back into the house.  He is worried he may lose his job and sees himself crashing and burning.  Insteadof going to work, he is finding himself at bars or hanging outside smoking weed with his 18-year old female neighbors.  He doesn't think he has the willpower to change his behavior on his

Today one of my closest friend's boyfriend of 3 years suddenly and unexpectedly died of a heart attack.  I immediately left work to be with her and she was hysterical and in shock.  Nowthat I have left her with friends, all I can think of is what if J were to die tomorrow.  How could I live with our goodbye being like this?  Now I feel more conflicted than ever.  It

Glad to be starting my second week with J out of the house.  The weekend was a bit crazy because of him and I am realizing that I need to do more than just live apart from him.  I need somereal space from him.  He is a manipulative user and I cannot let him get to me.  This weekend, just minutes after a discussion where he tried to convince me to let him move back in, he acc

Last night, after Ben went to sleep, all the quiet was painful.  It is hard to be alone, but I know the quiet will translate into peace sooner or later.

My goal today for Day 2: I will not respond to his texts/emails/calls.  No telling him I miss him.  No contact.

Tonight I will work on organizing the house.  It has been a bit chaotic and messy for a long while

Today is the first day without him.  I feel sad and lonely and hugely relieved at the same time.  I expect he will crash and burn quickly and am worried about him, but am trying to keep myfocus on Ben.  If this year has taught me anything it is that there is nothing I can do about the choices Ben's dad makes.

I am not a religious person and I never pray. However, Ben&#

On April 1, 2009, I found out I was pregnant with my son.

On April 1, 2010, his Dad left me for the first time and took off with my on a crazy train

On April 1, 2011, that crazy train slowsdown and prepares for a halt.  J moves his stuff out today.  No joke!

I have been home since Saturday and he has not yet left the house.  Somehow I agreed to let him stay until he finished an assignment for work that was due on Monday.  However, he is still finishingup that assignment today.  He is still talking as if he is leaving soon, but I am worried about inertia.  So many times he has agreed to leave only to not leave or to leave and come r

Apparently all that 'standing my ground' was much easier from across the country.  I am home now and he is still in the house and I haven't been able to stand up to him at all since Ihave been home.  I want him to go, but can't seem to find the strength to do the right thing here. 

My son and I go home tomorrow and J is supposed to be out of the house when we get back.  Today he starts to text me begging to stay in the house and that he has realized he can't live withoutme.  He wrote that our son got his life from both of us and deserves both of us in his life.  Both there with him and for him. 

And, while I agree, he is the one that isn'

I seem to be going through the full gamut of emotions. My son and I are heading home on Saturday. J has promised to be out of the house by the time we get back. I don't feel ready to face him or thehouse without all of his things. Too depressing. I talked to him last night and broke down sobbing. He isn't the man I once loved. that is obvious even over the telephone. It breaks my heart. He

I am feeling angry tonight.  It is sinking in that he is going to be off drinking, smoking, screwing around and doing whatever he wants while I am facing single motherhood.  I love my son andhave no trouble devoting myself and my life to him, but I am very angry at his father for leaving us in this position.  I never expected to have to do this on my own.  It is hard.  It

Yesterday he asked to stay in the house for a few more months and try to work on things.  I stood my ground and told him that separation was necessary.  My impression is that he doesn't want to be alone and doesn't know where to go, not that he genuinely wants to change or work things out with me.  He continues to express no interest in sobriety.  I must keep telling