WHY DO SOME RESPONSES PROVOKE ANGER??? |
Apr 26 2008 |
Why do some responses to questions make people so angry??? I think it is because when people ask a question in a discussion they already have the answer formulated. They are looking forvalidation for their feelings or their situation and will discard the answers that don't fit. It is the only conclusion that makes any sense as to getting angry at someone's honest answer. And the wording of the answer can sometimes provoke anger.
I have seen several people answer and say pretty much the same thing but, one is more diplomatic than the other. Some people just don't sugar coat things...some do.
In responding to questions should I just try to figure out what preconceived idea the person had in asking the question so I can get an A for guessing what they want??? And look like I am giving support?? Or should I flunk the test and tell it like it is and give an answer that may make them angry? But, point a major flaw in their judgment of situation that will save them grief down the line...I have never been a fan of Bart Simpson but, in this instance may follow his example. An chose to flunk the test.
Comments (7)
written by damselndistress, April 27, 2008
written by damselndistress, April 27, 2008
experienced where I was the strong reactor and actually left a group because of it.
A young girl in her late 20's had just joined a group I was involved with and her husband has borderline personality disorder.
She was telling us about the behaviors she observes in him and mentioned at the end of her post that she was concerned about having children with him, how he would handle crying etc.
I have 4 children with my BPD partner and knew something wasn't right with him but didn't know what it was until 2 yrs ago.
Some of my children (2) were not planned and I had a lot of resentment about the implications of the pregnancy, what it meant to me with all I was dealing with and knowing I wasn't bringing them into an ideal situation. My last baby, abortion even crossed my mind but I obviously chose to have the baby. This question was a very difficult question for me because it was one I had myself and had to live with the results of. Being threatened on many occasion that my husband would desert all of us. The posts that came in response were pretty bad. That anyone that would have a child with a BPD was plum insane, you know what I think it's going to be too painful for me to recall them all so I will leave it up to your imagination. The other factor was there are adult children of BPD's on the site so what was it saying about them?
The post on the level of the ego threatened the existence of my children. I tried very hard to express to everyone the sensitivity of this subject. Also suggested that the woman should be given pro's and con's and allowed to make the decision herself. The woman herself even mentioned that she wasn't too worried yet about that part but the comments continued. As a result I left the group. People tried to point out that they should be allowed to discuss this, give her guidance, there was no balance in the responses they were all gravely negative.
Maybe that message needed to be sent, maybe I cannot be healthy in a group where I am having to defend the lives of my children and their current quality of life when I am going there for support. These debates we have are all projections of the ego.
We all have our theory developed for the decisions we make and the way we live our lives. Some are rationalizations that we create for ourself if you can imagine a big eye with balloons all around it protecting it. if someone pops one of those balloons we are going to be focusing directly on that weakness that has been exposed yell out hey who popped my balloon, how dare you leave me exposed like that, and work quickly to blow up another balloon to replace it. It's how we function.
A young girl in her late 20's had just joined a group I was involved with and her husband has borderline personality disorder.
She was telling us about the behaviors she observes in him and mentioned at the end of her post that she was concerned about having children with him, how he would handle crying etc.
I have 4 children with my BPD partner and knew something wasn't right with him but didn't know what it was until 2 yrs ago.
Some of my children (2) were not planned and I had a lot of resentment about the implications of the pregnancy, what it meant to me with all I was dealing with and knowing I wasn't bringing them into an ideal situation. My last baby, abortion even crossed my mind but I obviously chose to have the baby. This question was a very difficult question for me because it was one I had myself and had to live with the results of. Being threatened on many occasion that my husband would desert all of us. The posts that came in response were pretty bad. That anyone that would have a child with a BPD was plum insane, you know what I think it's going to be too painful for me to recall them all so I will leave it up to your imagination. The other factor was there are adult children of BPD's on the site so what was it saying about them?
The post on the level of the ego threatened the existence of my children. I tried very hard to express to everyone the sensitivity of this subject. Also suggested that the woman should be given pro's and con's and allowed to make the decision herself. The woman herself even mentioned that she wasn't too worried yet about that part but the comments continued. As a result I left the group. People tried to point out that they should be allowed to discuss this, give her guidance, there was no balance in the responses they were all gravely negative.
Maybe that message needed to be sent, maybe I cannot be healthy in a group where I am having to defend the lives of my children and their current quality of life when I am going there for support. These debates we have are all projections of the ego.
We all have our theory developed for the decisions we make and the way we live our lives. Some are rationalizations that we create for ourself if you can imagine a big eye with balloons all around it protecting it. if someone pops one of those balloons we are going to be focusing directly on that weakness that has been exposed yell out hey who popped my balloon, how dare you leave me exposed like that, and work quickly to blow up another balloon to replace it. It's how we function.
Norma, me ever the diplomatic one, struggles with the same thing as you. Sometimes people don't want the truth. But I think if you do tell it to them, even if they get mad, the do remember it and will think about it again when they feel less vunerable.
Damsel I hope you don't ever take these insensitive people seriously. There are many many things a person can give to their children, if we all thought that we should only bring perfect children into the world there wouldn't be any...nobodys perfect. I agree with you on the rationalization, I know I do that myself when I don't want to face something.
Damsel I hope you don't ever take these insensitive people seriously. There are many many things a person can give to their children, if we all thought that we should only bring perfect children into the world there wouldn't be any...nobodys perfect. I agree with you on the rationalization, I know I do that myself when I don't want to face something.
written by kimminentdanger, May 04, 2008
Hi Norma!!!! I agree with you 100% when you say that people get angry at a truthful answer because they already have a preconceived notion of what the answer should be. IN MY OPINION, if that's the case, they aren't genuine in their solicitation for advice or answers. I always try to be honest (admittedly brutally sometimes) when answering a question even if my answer will provoke anger, hurt or any other intense emotion. I do not sugar coat things because I believe that disguising the truth by "sweetening it up" is holding back the full truth. If they don't want to hear your opinion, they shouldn't ask. Sometimes the brutal truth can open one's eyes to things that they may otherwise have been oblivious to. All you can do is all you can do (and I've read your answers and think they are COMPLETELY heartfelt and honest....) 
written by Deep_Hearted_Sigh,
May 15, 2008
People lie to themselves so much that the truth rocks their world.
People have been lied to so much that the mirror reflects their pain.
Lieing takes place so often that the truth under the rug remains there.
It's a world full of lies and the world is a jail cell of people who don't want the truth to set them free.
Lies and Venom are one in the same. Better to die from the lies than be convicted in the truth.
Just my opinion.
People have been lied to so much that the mirror reflects their pain.
Lieing takes place so often that the truth under the rug remains there.
It's a world full of lies and the world is a jail cell of people who don't want the truth to set them free.
Lies and Venom are one in the same. Better to die from the lies than be convicted in the truth.
Just my opinion.
I'm new as of today on this site. All I can say is Amen, Yes yes yes!!! You all said it so well. The denial that is out there. The people who must have their world squeaky clean and us disabled so dirty it up for them --- and maybe prick their conscience, which they have not used for awhile. I got told off by a "friend" who has a husband with alcoholism and has frontal lobe damage. he and she both get benefits (counseling, health care) via the V.A. as he is a veteran. She also has a son and daughter (plus her husband has a daughter who can be called upon to help) and yet for me..... with NO SUPPORT ANYWHERE AND FROM NOWHERE.... no matter how i have tried, she told me off!!!!! She does not want to hear what i am dealing with. She just wants to make chit chat and anything that would upset HER makes her angry at ME. Needless to say, I ended the "friendship?" and I am finding fewer and fewer people (the nomral ones, you know) who will outright change subjects on me (even if what I am saying is so superficial and IS IN THE NEWS!!!!) as their world just can't be anyway but nicey nice for them. What they do is to disrespect and completely defile our existence and rights to speak. They say that karma is coming back at people faster these days...... and I do not intend to get myself ill from bad feelings projected --- just thought a few of you might find comfort in knowing that about karma. As none of us is meant to know how or when the karma comes back to those who so ruthlessly dispense lack of compassion and respect to us (Plus a lot of our information might actually be helpful to them later on, should they find themselves in our predicament!!!!) I was taught "You have to know what it is that you do not know"> Sultrysoul
Hello Norma, I find this thread very appropriate. I think that I'm to some degree also guilty of that kind of behavior. Eg. One solicits advice from someone else and then in the same breath you actually give urself the answer. I find this annoying when someone else does this to me but I often do this. For me it stems from the fear of being considered needy, burdensome, etc. It is definitely a defence mechanism. Thank you for dealing so sensitively with the subject. Love the soup pot idea, think we should do that next winter, but minus the stone, lol. Happy Holidays from Cape Town, South Africa.
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I don't really have a solution as to how to fix the problem I guess at some point one of the people have to decide to let it go or you could spend until infinity arguing a point.