|Aug 08 2010|
My life is out of control. I have no one to talk to. No mother, father, brother, sister. I can't talk to my husband because he has bp and I'm afraid I'll set him off. So I've been pretty much sitting at home laying in bed. I have no control of my marriage. My marriage is in the total control of my bp husband who at any time can up and leave me. He has a picture on his facebook of a beautiful skinny women and he tell me to eat! She's thinner than I am. I won't go on facebook until that picture is removed because it really bothers me. But I won't tell him because it is his facebook and he can do with it what he wants.
I feel very very very lonely. I'm at home all day by myself and when my husband comes home he is on the computer (facebook). He spends more time with those people than me. He doesn't cuddle me anymore. I wished he would . I really need to be held and assured that someone loves me, people I know and love. I think the only person that does love me right now is my son and he is the reason I have put a bullet through my head by now. I don't him want him to know his mother died of suicide. But in a way, that's what I'm doing. I just want to wither away...and not eating is the way to do it. I am on 60 mg of prozac and I don't feel it is helping. I cry everyday...I'm crying now. The last bp episode my husband had pretty much took away my best friend and I've lost relationships with a lot of people. I just can't bare the embarrassment that everyone knows about our personal life. I am a very private person and when he sent out , what I call spam mail, to everyone we know that we were divorcing is too much for me to take. I get no attention from him other than.."you need to eat" No touching, no sex, no kiss, and barely an I love you. Which he says to every woman, so it really doesn't mean much right now.
He talks about work and gym all the time. I won't talk about my life because he told me he doesn't care about anything that interest me. I love photography, but he's not interested in my work. I can't work out because of medical problems so I have no interest in the gym. I love politics, but he pretty much ignores me if I say something about it. So,I just let him talk about his life...that's what make him happy.
Someone once told me that the happiest I'm looking for will not be acheived by killing myself. I think about that and think that it would be just like sleeping, which I'm doing most of the time anyway.
I live in Costa Rica and all of my friends are back in the states. I went to visit them last month, but my entire trip was ruined by bipolar. I feel cheated out of a trip I enjoy so much...just once a year. That's all I want. Now I have to wait another year to do things I wanted to do while I was there, but couldn't because I was so upset. And I scared when I come back, he'll be gone. And everyone here, including my BFF, will help him.
Well starting another day of pure hell!
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