Somewhere Over The Rainbow

the goose is getting fat.

 So this year we bought all the gifts with cash.  We haven't been able to do that in years.  What a good feeling.  Times got tight really quickthough and the only place we can really cut corners is with food.  I already sit in the cold to save on the heating bill, keep the electric things off or low, cut back on internet going from hi

Tomorrow, October 8th is the 24th anniversary of my brothers death by suicide.  It seems like yesterday.  I miss him so much and wonder what he would be like if he were alive today.  Hehad bipolar disorder (manic depression is what we used to call it) just like me.  I have never actively tried to kill my self.  I know how final it is.  I have many times wished I would

...by writing in my diary here.  I recommend it to a lot of people then realize I don't utilize it enough myself.  I was just telling a friend in my drug addiction support group how muchit helps to write about how you are feeling.  It is even better when people comment on what you have written.  I am not very interesting or popular I guess because I rarely get comments b

I don't know why I keep having such a hard time letting go of things I cannot change.  I repeatedly go over and over different scenerios in my head in which I try to come up with solutions toeveryone elses problems.  I know their problems are not mine but I seem to absorb them like a sponge.  I look back at my life and try to figure out what impacted me so hard that I became thi

The most important new thing in my life is my beautiful new granddaughter, Lilly Yvonne.  She is still in the hospital recovering as she was born addicted to methadone.  She is so precious!  She is doing good and of course they don't let her suffer.  She is gaining weight quickly as she is a little piggy.  My daughter is doing better now that the baby is.  I pr

Its a long story how all this came about.  I won't go into the whole thing as its too personal.  I don't mind telling things about myself but the story would probably bore anyone who reads it to death.  The thing is I have two of my grandchildren here with me for going on a week now.  They are 5 and 8.  Now at 52 I have lost all my patience with little ones.&nbs

I am feeling pretty good these days.  I believe my bipolar is under control, at last at last and my hypothyroidism is under control too. 

I am still having trouble with sleeping butam working on it.  I started seroquel but man that stuff kicks my ass.  I started at 400mgs and am down to 25 and still feel like a drunk when I wake up.  Not sure if I will be stickin

Alot has happened since I last wrote in my diary.

 First of all is my weight loss.  I am down 28 pounds now.  166!!!  Only 8 more pounds to go.  They are coming off slownow but thats ok.  This is my life now.  I know I will never be able to eat like I used to again.  Its ok though, I keep reminding myself that its only food and food won't change

Today is a happy day.  It has been about 2 1/2 weeks since my last mixed episode.  I am so happy happy happy!!!  My diet is going great!!!  I joined Weight Watchers three weeks agoand after two weigh ins I have lost a total of 7.8 pounds.  I feel like a million bucks and the sun isn't even shining.  I feel really good when the sun shines.  Another good thing

to tell you how much weight I lost on my first week of Weight Watchers. 5.2 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That brought me from 194.2 to 189.  I like to go by tens as mini goals.  I want to weight 158 but they said I have to get a note from my doctor.  i don't know what he'll say when I ask him for it.  I get too many wrinkles and my face sags it I go to lo

I joined Weight Watchers!!!  I am so excited.  I know I am ready to start losing the weight.  I went down to 158 last year and then started bingeing again and last night weighed in at194.2.  I can't believe I let this happen.  Almost 40 pounds but I didn't notice so much as I only went up one pants size.  So I realize now that losing the weight is the easy

I guess thats what I get now.  Just mixed episodes.  No hypomania, no true depression, no mania just these horrible mixed episodes.  I am so full of unneccessary anger and irritablityI can't stand myself.  And then the level escalates and I am crying.  All for nothing.  Completely unwarranted.  Even  people who are knowledgable about bipol

I suddenly realized I feel good this morning.  I usually start of like this anyway.  I enjoy doing my myspace and facebook stuff so much and I sit here with my morning coffee keeping up correspondence, returning emails and coming to MDJ for my various groups so to be honest most days I start out feeling this good.  I have taken 1 mg of Ativan as I am grinding my teeth again but I

Today is the big day.  My daughter has paid for a night in a motel so we can all go to the Mohegan Sun Casino in Connecticut.  The room even has a whirlpool tub for two.  We were goingto stay at the Mohegan Sun hotel but its $499.00 a night and the econolodge is only $89.00.  My daughter is even giving us gambling money plus we are bringing a little of our own.  When I

I'll see her this Thursday and I am dreading it.  She called and told me she is pregnant again.  Here is the story of my beloved daughter Jacquie.  Jacquie is a recovering opiate addictincluding intravenous heroin use.  She is 23 years old.  Thanks to her drug use life has not been easy for her.  She got pregnant 2 1/2 years ago while on buphenorphine wh

I have been back in touch with voc-rehab again and have an appointment of the 18th at 12:30.  I am not sure what will happen.  I am open to anything...sort of.  I have some prerequisitesfirst of all.  I can't work with crowds of people meaning no cashier type positions.  I can't work in a factory as the repetiveness is more than I can take, causes me expreme str

But its been so long I don't remember.  I feel good.  Not overly good but normal for me good.  I feel like I am thinking more clearly like I am getting my personality back.  I laugh again.  I spent so many days inside myself with nothing coming out like I was locked in or something.  I couldn't find a way to express myself.  Now I feel good.  Cl

Getting up in the morning and not feeling raveness would be a start.  I go to sleep hungry and wake up hungry thanks Mr. Risperidone.  I am craving carbs.  I am hungry but no matter how much I eat I never get full.  I don't think this is my food addiction now, its definitely Mr. Risperidone. 

It is a good day when your mood is in check.  I feel grea

That was me on Monday.  Seems like there should be more to me than a bunch of numbers but these numbers follow me wherever I go.   I am not so much depressed now as blah.  I wonderif there is a code for bipolar I disorder most recent  episode blah.  Thats how I feel.  Nothing makes me smile yet nothing makes me cry.  I should be stable now then right? B

Sometimes I guess I just expect too much from people both here and at home.  At home I expect everyone to read my mind.  I expect my husband and daughters to know what is going on in my head.  They ask me questions and I snap at them.  I think they should know the answers.  Last night I talked with dh about the voices and he wanted  to know exactly what they say to

today is not an ordinary day.  I am special.  I have been singled out by some demons to suffer at the hand of strange voices.  They tell me all the things I know are true like that I ama fat pig, an ugly slut, a fucking whore and they want me to die, to kill myself.  I am not ready to die but this is not an ordinary day.  Call the doctor quick quick quick but I didn't

People are basically kind.  People generally want to do the right thing.  People like to reach out when they can.  People need to know they are not alone. 

People, peoplewho love people who love people...

Come on people now, smile on your brother...

I I I am everyday people. 

He was a one eyed one horned flying purple people eater.  <

I have not spoken to my husband in almost four days.  He has made no attempt to speak to me either.

 Four days ago he was sitting in his recliner dozing off and complaining about havingto go to work that night.  He has a second job and its killing him to do it.  He only gets about four hours of sleep on Mon., Tues. and Wednesday.  He makes about 200 dollars a week

Today is my birthday

but I won't bore you with all the details since I obviously already bore the crap out of everyone already.  I used to write in this diary because I thought I could get some input without havingto post but that didn't work either.  I guess what I am really doing is thinking out loud, talking to myself.

 I met Diane(grafxbydiane) on Saturday and it was cool.  I k

hypothyroidism group but I think it shows up in all my groups so I'll try to address them all.

I have been cold all day.  I keep turning the heat up and also put on a heavy sweatshirtbut I am still cold.  I can't wait til March comes and I see the doctor for more thyroid testing.  I haven't had this problem in a while so I will be curious as to how my bloodwork

What the fuck is wrong with me?  Why the fuck can't I be normal in any way?  Why do I have to be plagued with bipolar disorder, eating disorders and thyroid trouble.  Why me?  Yes I want to know, why me? 

 I fuck up everything.  I fucked up my eating plan yesterday but who the fuck cares?  Do you care?  Nobody the fuck gives a flying fuck.

...and I guess that happens to some people around Christmas but not usually to me.  Normally I love Christmas and I mean all of it even the crazy overindulgence of eating ,present buying etc.  But today everything made me cry.  It doesn't feel like a celebration to me.  It feels like an anniversary of someones death.  Like my dads or my brothers or grammies death. 

I am finding life to be very stressful these days.   I am trying to stay away from the Ativan as it makes me so tired. 

Yesterday my husband had a growth removed from his tongue.  It was so hard watching him go through this.  He had to have novacaine in his tongue can you imagine how awful that would be.  He is so brave.  They cut the thing off and he n

but I am not sure if I want to keep track this time or not. 

 Its day five of being off sugar.  My drug.  I am not only off sugar because it is my drug but also because ofmy weight.  I have strictly limited my portions and my daily calorie intake.   I can't keep letting myself get fatter and fatter.  The real problem is the sugar addiction thou

No one has ever told me that there were three types of anxiety attacks.  Now I know thanks to my youngest daughter Jacquie.  We were talking about our respective anxiety and I was amazed at how much she has learned about her own anxiety.  

The first type of anxiety (attack) is called situation triggered anxiety.  This is where the anxiety  (attack) occurs occ

I have been going so up and down lately it just isn't funny.  I was reminded of an old favorite by Billy Joel. 

Extremes

Call me a joker, call me a fool

right at thismoment I'm totally cool

Clear as a crystal sharp as a knife

I feel like I'm in the prime of my life

Sometimes it feels like I'm going to fast

I don't know how

...on the forum asking for advice or experiences or maybe just looking for someone who can sympathize with what you say and no one replies.  I tried to make my post easy to read and was certainlyblunt in what I wanted to know.  I also left room for comment on my present state of mind.  I got not one response.  I am hurt and teary and more depressed than ever.  Feeling unwa

 I heard this song this morning and it made me cry.  You see my youngest daughters is a recovering opiate addict including intravenous heroin use.  She was active when this song cameout and all I heard were the words,  "I can't love, shot full of holes"  She has come along way but the reminders are always there both for me and for her.  I love this so

I was driving down the street heading to the bank when what do you think I saw.  There on the sidewalk was strolling like not a care in the world a completely naked shoeless woman.  I couldn't believe it.  Maybe I was in shock but I never even stopped to ask her if she needed help I just drove right by along with the cars in front and in back of me.  I went to the bank t

Last night I really wanted to talk on the phone.  I get like that sometimes usually when I am manic and its the middle of the night.  However I am not manic.  I just had this overwhelmingdesire to chat.

What the problem you ask, call someone right?  Who?  I have no one to call.  I had already talked to my dear mother and dear daughter today.  The other d

I am useless.  I am without use.  My husband is working two jobs, almost 70 hours a week.  He is lucky to get four to five hours sleep a night, well not at night.  He has to sleep from 4 til 9 in the evening.  Here I cry about having to spend the night alone while he is out working his ass off.  I have no right to cry over anything.  The worst part is we still ha

Which is it?  Bipolar that is.

Disease;  a disorder or incorrectly functioning organ, part, structure or system of the body resulting from the effect of genetic or developmental errors, infection, poisons, nutritional deficiency or imbalance, toxicity or unfavorable environmental factors, illness, sickness, ailment.

or is it a disorder

disorder;    A d

Cause its a bittersweet

symphony thats life...

Try to make ends meet,

you're  slave to money then you die. 

I'll take you down the

only road I'veever been down...

You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah.

 

No change, I can change, I can change, I can change,

but I'm here in

Ativan.  I took one mg of Ativan at nine last night.  I waited fifteen minutes then went up to bed.  My thoughts weren't racing although I was still thinking about everything.  Next thing I know its five in the morning.  I fell asleep easily and slept all night.  Thats a good thing.  But when I found my dear husband wasn't in bed beside me I burst into te

...my inability to fall asleep at night.  I don't post much so it was a big step.  In the beginning of coming to the forum I posted like crazy.  Don't know what that was about, a breakthrough symptom.  In the past at other forums I have been called a posting maniac.  Anyway I posted about my problem falling asleep.  The thing is I bought the bottle of Kahlu

I posted this as a question on the board too.

I will leave my children the greatest gift of all. The ability to love and be loved. I know my children all feel the love I have for them. I see it everyday in the way they treat me and the way they treat their children. From the first moment I layed eyes on the precious newborn faces I knew there was no greater love than that of a mother for

Seems like thats my life.  A series of questions both to myself and to other people.  Dilemmas, what to do, how to choose, the lesser of two evils.  Decisions, always one to be made.  Is this what life is supposed to be like?  I would like to be free of questions, dilemmas and decisions for one day.  I am so bad with these three things.

Anyway here is one dec

Over the last eleven years or so, since I started my meds I have gained a lot of weight.  I am also a binge eater.  Eat like a pig then starve, mostly eating like a pig though.  I wentfrom 137 to 240.  It was like I didn't even notice it.  Then one day I saw a picture of me and I almost died.  Man was I fat.  This was last December.  I was so disguste

Why is it that people who don't get food stamps are so quick to judgement of those who do.  I have two daughters who both recieve food stamps.  One has four children and the other one.  Can't you believe it, someone on food stamps might actually buy a steak.  Imagine poor people wanting to eat steak too.  Shame on them.  They should only eat hamburger and hotd

Ok so I kind of look at my diary in two ways.  First and most importantly it is a place for me to write about my day or the things I have on my mind.  I use it almost everyday.  Secondits to get input from my friends here.  I am reaching out by way of my diary.  I don't post alot about my private life, I do it here.  I am trying to be patient but I am quickly r

...always makes me cry.  There was a bagpipe player at the service today and I loved the music but when the service was over he played amazing Grace and I lost it.  I know they think I wascrying for Richard but I wasn't, it was just the song.  Turns out ole Richies death has really affected my daughter Amy.  I guess he really was good with the kids just not their mother.

won't go away.  It is in the bottom left side of the back of my head.  It is so painful.  I have no idea what is causing it.  I can't even wear my computer glasses correctly, they make it worse.  I guess it is sort of like a bad bad headache only in the back not the front.  It has lasted for about four days now, maybe up to a week.  I don&

What a difference a day makes.  Yesterday I obsessed about the diary comment I got saying I was selfish.  I realize that yes I have done some selfish things but I am not a selfish person.  I have spent my whole life giving to family and friends and by way of charity even strangers.  Thats who I am.  I am also a caretaker by right of being a co-dependant.  I am cons

I was so triggered today when someone who read my blog said I was selfish.  In all my fifty one years I have been called many things but never has anyone called me selfish.  Ok so maybe thatsnot true but its all in the context right?  I know its all in how I wrote my post and in the interpretation of the reader but man reading that set me off.  I have felt high all afternoon

I still have the racing thoughts at night.  They keep me awake.  Last night I took two Ativan and prayed about it, too.  I went to bed at 10:15 (normally go at 8:00) and refused to keeplooking at the clock.  Its not like I have to sleep I have nowhere to go in the morning, nothing to get up for.  But my thoughts raced until I finally looked at the clock.  Its was a

I am full of anger and direct most of it at my husband.  I screamed (yes hurt my throat screamed) at him when he told our daughter that I made mac-n-cheese from a box.  I have never made it from a box I was irate that he would say such a thing.  All the time my kids were growing up I made good wholesome homemade foods.  We never had frozen or prepackaged shit until my h

I have had horrendous manias and depressions.  In the beginning of my taking meds it took at least a year for me to become stable.  Then a few months go by and I am manic again so we try moremeds.  At one point I was on 9 meds and I finally rebelled.   Why don't we cut out a med if it isn't working?  Instead we add another on top of it.  Its ridiculous!Re

I heard this song on the radio today, thanks Q106!  I sang the whole thing and felt like crying.  I remember hearing it when I was really depressed.  I listened to it over and overagain.  I wonder what happened to it.  Well once again I have to decide between the diary and a post.  More people see a post but I felt better putting it hear.  I love thi

I realized over the weekend how cruel it would be to my family for me to get manic secretly.  I have done it enough in the past.  I need to be over it.  Its such a horrible addiction. 

On Saturday it was about all I thought about.  Getting manic that is.  I kept imagining the feeling of elation I get.  The thing is all these past thrirty years whenever

Its finally morning!  Thank you God.  I was awake all night.  Not up just awake in bed.  I laid there like an idiot instead of  getting up.  I think I dozed a couple oftimes but never made it into the depth of sleep that makes you feel rested (rem???).  As if that wasn't bad enough my daughters damn dog barked all night.  Sometimes it barked other tim

Thats how I am starting my day.  Its delicious.  Ummm...

Its day six of my experiment.  I have stopped my morning meds to see if I can kick off some hypomania.  I haven't been able to fall asleep at night for two nights.  I lay there from ten til two with racing thoughts.  I had forgotten about that symptom but its all good I am prepared for the negative

I just fast and furiously typed out a diary entry and it seems to have disappeared.  I am so pissed because I was typing from somewhere inside that completely dictated my words.  Now I haveto retype what I can remember but it won't mean as much.

I want to be manic.  Badly and fast.  I want to feel that physical and mental elation I get in the early stages of hypoma

I haven't written this on the forum yet because I know what everyone would say but I have felt the draw towards hypomania for a week or so.  Today is day five of stopping my morning meds.  Thats just Lithium and Geodon.  Yesterday my pdoc took me off the Remeron so now its no antidepressants at all.  I already stopped the Cymbalta.  Now thats kind of scary but I nee

I get these notifications for every thread and I am going crazy.  I asked if getting so may bothered anyone else and no one replied so I guess its only me.  Kind of depressing being odd man out.  The other day after skipping a day checking in I had 485 notifications.  I can't look at all of those.  I am overwhelmed.  I even had to start a new email address where I

Today didn't start off badly at all.  I jumped outof bed in  some crazy kind of  panic.  It was only 6:30 am.  I did my usual routine which for you who are unaware must  be done at  all cost.  I guess you will all find out I am a little obsessive about  things.  I hate typos, not yours  but mine.  Anyway I have this habit  of&