My story...

Iwrote this as an introduction of myself., im copying it and pasting it in my diary...

Hello everyone, ive been lurking around for a while now...I would love to have someone to talk to, such as this forum, so if you dont mind ill take a seat.
Im Emilia, im 21 almost 22...
I live in Mexico and New Jersey, my (sperm doner)dad lives in NJ and my mom in Mexico.
My other dad lives in Mexico and has been married to my mom since i was 6. I have a great relationship with the 3 of them.
As a middle/highclass girl i never thought of rape or abuse or anything (stupid and ignorant).
When I was 16 I got raped in a stupid way, it was violent, sad and I was a virgin. It happend at a "College party" I was stupid and wanted so bad an older boyfriend, thats what led me in first place to him, the fantasy of having an older and college guy.. i got there with 2 friends who were about 18 as soon as we got there the friend i knew left me alone waiting for him while he was talking to his ex girlfriend, the other guy (who wasnt my friend friend) left to hang with his friends...
so there i was waiting for my friend when this asshat came to talk to me, we were talking and dancing, and drinking, i didnt drink too much, he asked me to go out, cos the music was too loud, so we could get to "know eachother". Stupid me, didnt get what "know eachother" meant. I went outside to his car, we were on the trunk talking and playing around. He started taking it further, and tried to touch me underneath my clothes, i stopped him the first time, the second time i did it aswell but giggling, feeling nervous and not thinking or following my instincts, the 3rd time tried aswell and i did the giggling thing again, holding his hand and saying wait.. he said, "if you dont like it then why are you giggling, there must be something you like" and tried again, this time i couldnt stop him..thats all i remember, i wasnt drunk im sure at most, maybe a little tipsy but thats it.
Thats all I remember then my memory switches to the after, I woke up with my tshirt over my head, bra pulled up, no undies, jeans hanging on one leg..lost sock and both sneakers out.. i was left alone inside a car..i felt it wasnt me or my body, i had blood on my shirt and face, i tried to dressed up clean up since that girl in the mirror wasnt me, and went back into the party, I dont know how long it took me, i went by LOADS, THOUSANDS of people and not a soul could help me, until a girl who was leaving with her boyfriend saw me and took me to the bathroom, even offered me her cellphone to call my parents..I rejected the phone offer, dunno why, and then stayed in the bathroom i dont know how long, throwing up and looking at the mirror, to that weird person and looked a little bit like me...
i was gone until the sound of someone banging at the door brought me back...i went out and dont know how long it took me or how i did or where i went, the friend of my friend found me, asked me how i was, and insisted on getting me home, i was numb hopped in and he took me home safe, the whole time i was away from him and not talking as soon as we got to my house i rushed myself off the car...I havent spoke to any of them since..
I came back home and my brother was still awake, the first thing i did was getting online, we started fighting over the computer and out of nowhere i started pushing himand hitting him, he had to sat me down and hold my arms, i started crying, went to bed, and didnt get off until next day at night, my mom when she saw me she asked me what happened, and i didnt know so i told her it was my brother, that we fought over a pc. He got yelled at and punished...
I didnt say anything at school, i said i got hit cos i fell of the bed (stupid and unbeleivable but i did beleive it)i was ok for about 2 weeks when the flashbacks started, i used to have panick attacks in the middle of a class, i used to feel like throwing up in the middle of the class, and i actually threw up twice. My panick attacks where really vivid and my reactions were hard, so hard that i made my table fall bu kicking it with my knee, so everybody started thinking of me as a freak. Teachers sent me to the couselor who was really rude at me and didnt even listened. Besides around those dates a girl died, so the counselour had full hands with group therapy for the girls friends...so she used to ask me "how are you, you have lost weight, how are you feeling, im sorry we have to cut off because i have a group therapy" so now i hate therapists, besides she called my parents and told them i needed professional help just like that, she never even looked me in the eye or let me into her office and she said i needed professional help? anyways after 3 months i quitted school..
im sorry for writting this long introduction, unfortunately wasnt the last time.....

i didnt report it, and i didnt tell my parents either, im not in counseling or group therapy. And i dont think i was drugged, i remember the before clearly, i didnt go to er oranything so its hard to say, i guess ill never know.

About a year ago i went to NJ for a long period to live with my dad, unfortunately i had a sort of rape experience there aswell, sad to say i had it coming, i led the whole situation to it. the guy sort of twisted my shoulder and i couldnt move the arm properly for about 3 days. i told my dad i got hurt carrying a box, i told a friend the next day since she had to literally pull me out of bed, i told another friend too but i could see in her face and eyes that she didnt beleive me so we never talked about it again.

because of the previous experience it didnt shock me that bad, just a little.

after 10 months of that one i was in the subway on my way to school and a guy started touching me, i was carrying my backpack, a violin, 2 tennis raquets and a coffe, so i wasnt able to even move away easily, besides i shocked and didnt do anything, the guy was touching my bum and rubbing it and couldnt do anything,when he tried to move his hand to my front from behind i sort of moved away, and he stopped, he got off at the next stop, and i felt terrible and ashamed cos a lot of people saw what happend. Like a week later again in the subway, i was with 4 friends, it was really crowded, an old guy was rubbing his thing against my leg and bum, i shocked again but at least i looked at him this time, when i looked at him he sort of moved and i thought it was his briefcase what was touching me since he had his briefcase in one hand and his blazer on the other, until someone said something to a friend and she pulled me to movee me away from this guy, when we got off i pushed him, i felt good although i should have done more tough i felt a little bit good. the friends who were with me dont know anything of my past, one of them reminded me how stupid i am cos i didnt "hit him"" or else... but just a push felt a little bit good.

I avoid public transportation as much as possible, thank god i dont need it that much...but ugh i hate being a thing, like a masturbation machine for guys.

it really sucks.

i went twice to group therapy but didnt work, it made me feel stupid i didnt end up at the er or worse, and most of the women who were there did, so i felt really weak and stupid for whinning.

as lilibit says it is shameful, so i try not to talk about it, ive tried to heal reading and learning and connecting with my emotions, and it has worked out i can tottally leave the "alter ego" aside must of the times.

i ve told to a very close friend what happend but only through msn, it is impossible for me to talk about it face to face. Just when im drunk thats how my friend realized and started asking..

sometimes i feel like talking but its so hard that i end up saying something else or laughing or whatever, but id like to share it sometimmes i feel like it is eating me, sometimes i feel ill get cancer cos of keeping it all inside...funny huh?

and i dont trust counselors to much...

thanks a lot you are great!

*thanks to lilybit, hiall and jenn36, for your warm welcome and support.