Snowi Babbles

i am so frustrated with my life. i hate it. i am so sick of the pain. so sick of being phyiscally limited. i feel like a prisoner in my body. i am bored out of my mind. i am also sick of pajama pantsand scrubs which r the only pants i can wear right now that don't hurt me too much. so now i have a foot with some wrong with it. as if neck shoulder back and leg pain was not enough but no i ha

holidays trigger my grief very badly. it is hard to believe that losing jayden still hurts this bad 15 months later but it does. i made it through Easter last year even though i have no idea what i didi just do not rember. so i thought it would hurt less this year. no such luck. i think it is different cause last year i should have been preggie and this year i should have a 9 month old jayden.&nbs

i am confused. i just passed a year since jayden died. it was hard but i made it through. i thought i was ready to try again to have a child. i was so happy when i got my period after it being mysteriouslygone for 6 monhts. i was so worried it was too late for me to have a child. so for a while i was so happy and trying to get pregie felt so right. i have spent the last year trying

i aways thought having another baby would help heal my broken heart, but i have a preggie friend who says it does not work. ugh. it is looking like i will be missing jayden forever. right now i am notsure if i can even get preggie. i have not had a period since june. my doc does not know why.
i have tried so hard to deal with jayden's death, but now 10 months later i still hurt so much f

so i have figured a few things out. i am detaching from my mil cause i do not know how to deal with the fact that she is dying of cancer especailly due to the fact i am still grieving the loss of mybabyjayden. it occured to me today that what i was doing was detaching. also i figured out why i was doing. that is how my mom dealt with my father and brothers death when i was 2 1/2. she just did not

the good news is i had the best craft show ever on sat. i sold a lot of jewlery. it was awsome. i love making jewelry!!! it was so nice to have a great show. i need to get a website up sometime soon.

 bad news phsyically it so was hard. i really can't sit that long. physically i thought i was doing ok. i realized why because i was greatly limiting my sitting and was monitoring my

i am angry. i hate miscarriage. it is so not fair. PLEASE don't tell me life is not fair cause i know that all too well. i just need to vent.  i just learned that a women i had been talking tolost her baby. i feel sooo bad for her. she had such a rough pregnacy i so hoped she would get to bring her baby home, but she didn't. i aslo know how it feels to loose a baby. it is the worst th

usually i love christmas, but this year i am dreading it. i was pregnant last year at chirstmas. i have soooo many memories from the xams season. sometime in the future i think they will be precious butnow they r just heart breaking. i had so many hopes and dreams. jayden would have been 5 months. now i want to sleep though xmas. i am going with a friend to buy a christmas dress for a baby who cou

yesterday i went to a memorial service the hosptial put on for women who had miscarriages or stillbirths. i cried my eyes out for my little Jayden. it was a nice service. the hosptial chaplin was there. i really was not impressed with him. two women who lost their babies spoke. we made ornaments and hung them on a tree outside. we also released balloons. i love doing that. my parents came and s

one thing i did while grieving jayden's death was to write a children's book to help kids who have lost babies. i am going to try to get it published. i do not want to self publish casue thatcosts money. i was wondering if anyone had any suggestions of what to do with my book now.

i named the girl in the book jayden in memory of my daughter.

thanks

i went out to the cemtaries to be certain my decisson was the totally right. it is. i decided the best thing is to have Jayden burried with the other babies. true she won't have her name on thegrave stone, but i will do something else so she has her name somewhere. it just came to me i want a angel statue with her name on it. don't know yet if i will put it inside or outside. also i fee

i HATE medicare. ok, i am so grateful for it cause without it i could not go to councelling, but i'm so frustrated with it. i did not know u have to renew it each year. then they keep sending morepaperwork that they must have which they give u NO time to return. if u do not get everything on in time u do not get it. it is crazy and unfair. i just sent them everything they asked for and i got a

omg it is 7th months today since jayden become a baby angel. it still hurts so much. i so wish i could be keeping track of how old she is, but no i'm stuck with an angel ticker. sometimesi still want to become an angel too. i can get her body. the problem is the whole process hurts so much. just the thought of seeing a 14in casket is almost more then i can bare. add to that a little

i am looking into getting jayden her own grave. i was going to have her burried with the other babies, but then her name won't be anywhere and she won't have her own spot for me to leave herstuff. this church i go to for grief share is going to help me. the hosptial did not call me back yet so i don't know if her body is still seperate or it may be with other bodies. yikes. this is

i was so proud of myself. i helped my friend with some ideas and i bought some stuff for her daughter's baby shower and i was ok with doing it. so i thought i would be ok at the baby shower, but iwasn't. there was a little baby girl there that my friend did not know was coming. i talked to the baby and she smiled at me, but it was too sad. i talked to the host and the girl and hugged her a

i got use to being around people and having someone to talk to. now, i am back to being at home by myself for a long time. my husband works very long hours. Also, it is so hard with school starting becasuei really wish i was going back too- i use to teach. i know that i can't do it physcially. i can leave my house but i'm so limited cause sitting and standing/walking are both rather painfu

it totally bothers me that jayden is not burried yet. she won't be til oct. i have been waiting so long. it sucks. then i'll have to share a grave. her name won't be on it. another probelmis stuff that i left her has gone away. i was talking about it in this new grief support group. the leader said that if i could get her body from the hosptial he might be able to help me get her own g

in treatment, my therapsit said i should write a goodbye letter to jayden. i thought about it and decided not to do it. i DO NOT want to say goodbye to her. i want to keep her in my heart and in mymemory forever. saying goodbye seems so wrong to me. i can't just forget about her. she was a part of me. i love her so much.

what do you all think? do i need to say goodbye ever?

ever since i oded i have worried so much that jayden thinks i'm a bad mom. i was told that everyone in heaven is perfect. that would mean that jayden would know that i love her and she would stilllove me and not reject me as a mom. the problem is i feel like i failed as a mom by not being stronger and i feel hesitant to talk to her like i did before i overdosed. the other day i felt her presen

i know i said i wasn't going to go there any more, but i was so sad today i felt i had to go. the stuff i left for jayden was gone. that was kind of a bit of a shock. why would someone be so evilto take stuffed animals lefted for a baby angel. i was so glad i brought jayden a bunny i made for her. i think going there helped this time. it made me want to be strong and keep going which was so

my mother in law has cancer of the pancras. she has 6 months to a year to live. she is not in pain yet but looks ill and has no energy. it is so sad. it is a bit hard to see her cause it breaks my heartthat she is dying. she is very nice. i have not yet gotten closure on my daughter's death and don't know how to cope with someone else dying.

rich and i went to a build a bear. i made a beautiful jayden bear with a fairy dress. rich helped put on the shoes. at that point i got a little sad cause we should be dressing our baby, not a bear. butsince we don't have a baby i'll take a bear. even though i did not go on my due date, i was able to make the birth certificate say my due date. i can't carry jayden bear around as i get

it looks like i will be getting help tues. i hope my doc comes thru so they will make accomidations i need to be there. i am scared. but my heart says i need help. will miss u all. hope to be gone onlya little time. will let u know when i am back.

i finnally have a treatment date-tuesday- but i probally can't go cause they will not accomidate my physical problems. i don't need alot- just my chair or a wheelchair to sit in and my foam tosleep on the floor. then i need to lay down for a little while throughout the day to rest my legs. i might be able to bring my foam, but i'd have to keep it on a bed. but that is not for sure. the

what a stressful day. first had to deal with a problem with insurance and the hospital. still am confused about it. i do know that they will pay for inpatient for at least 5 days. then i found out the bed that was supposed to open did not so i can't go tommorow like i thought. i have been running ragged to get ready. now i have to wait. it has been so stressful. also my due date is coming u

i hate going to the doctor. since my miscarriage. part of the reason is that the clinic and hosptal are in the same building. My baby's body is still in the hosptial. they will not burry her untiloct. i hate that so much. i think it is harder that my due date is approaching. it is only a week away. also going to the doctor reminds me so much that i am not pregnant. i had to go today. i like my

i am struggling with Jayden's death as her due date approaches. i often think about how i should be pregnant and so happy going nuts waiting for jayden to be born, but instead i'm broken heartedat times i don't even want to be here. i read rich this poem which made me realize that jayden's death was part of his plan. right now that really really upsets me. why did he have to nee

i told Rich today that jayden loved him and thought he was a good day. i cried while telling him but i was glad i made myself cause i felt it was the right thing to do, but i was also afraid of makinghim sad. he said he was a little sad but was ok.

 i did not call my mom this mother's day cause i was too sad and could not deal with talking to her so can i call my stepdad on fathe

i'm planning a bear party on july 6 my due date in honor of my baby angel jayden. i found a bear cake pan. i got 3 d bear puzzles. and a few other things. i have also started inviting people. usallyit is fun planning it, but sometimes it is really hard. right now i am really sad becasue i want to have a baby shower and finish preparing her room and all the stuff that goes along with having

it is hard to believe but it is 4 months since my little Jayden became an angel. i am frustrated with the grieving process becasue i want to be farther along then i am. i still cry a lot for my baby, but i have always been a crier and i suffer from depression. i know grief is an indivual thing and u are where u are, but that does not make being where i am much easier. i desperately want a baby

i need to find a way to like myself more. i want constant reasurance from others that i'm ok. no one knows that is what i want becasue i don't ask for it but i crave it. i grew up in a householdwhere nothing i did was ever good enough. becasue of being emtionally abused for years a have a very low sense of my worth. it is even harder now that i can't work. i try to be a good person. i

Being alone at home often is hard cause then i just alone with myself and can get stuck in my head so easily and get sad. i am getting out a bit more which is good. but since i can not work and sincewhat causes me the least pain is laying down; i have too be home alot. Even when my husband is home most of the time i might as well be alone. so of it i understand he works very vert long hours doi

jayden has been an angel baby for 3 months. The day went better than i thought it would.  i called my husband and told him what i planned to do and asked if i should just do them or if he'd want to do them with me. this is one of the first times i asked him to particate because before it was all i could do it do them by myself it just would have been to much to have to worry about him

i am so excited that i got to do some fun stuff, because it has been a while. yesterday i took a motorcyle ride with a ride. my body was not happy afterwards but going in their hottub helped and itwas sooooo fun. i love the wind whipping through your hair and the feeling of freedom.

today i went to craft day with a women a met through the hosptial. they asked her if she would be willing t

My dearest baby Jayden,

Tommorrow April 22 will be 3 months since you become a cute, sweet, perfect, little baby angel. Mommy loves you soooo much. since u can't be here with me, at leasti know that u are in the most wonderful place in the world. i know u are with many people that u love like my dad and my brother, my grandparents, and some aunts and uncles. i also know that u have a

just this morning i was thinking, my due date was july 6. that is coming up soon and then i have....STOP! WAIT! DON"T FINISH THAT! i won't have a baby. my baby is in heaven. She's not coming back. i'll have a bear party in her honor, but i won't have her. the thought just through me off, like where did that come from, probally from my heart that is not logical. i hope this

i was told to write a list of stuff i need to do to help me

talk to doctor about depression meds

work on my relationship with God

learn to love me

learn to accept body

find dentist and schedule dental surgery

sort through clothes to find some that fit

get out of house more

express feelings

work on marriage

 find out how to move on

 

My pregnancy was rough. i had morning sickness bad. being pregnant made my pain worse. once or twice i wished that it would end. i wanted my baby, i just was struggling with being pregnantand i had to stop taking a lot of meds quickly. when jayden died i blamed myself, thinking maybe god took her away because of what i thought. but god should know i that i loved jayden with all my

when i get pregnant, it was a surprise, but a very very happy one. i thought that it was part of God's plan. i had to quit working due to physical problems. that broke my heart. i felt the babywas my reason for being alive. i totally trusted that God would take care of us and that everything would be ok. it seemed to me that it would be too mean to take my baby away. but that is what happen

i get so very lonely. when i was pregnant, i talked to jayden all the time so it was ok. now that she is gone it is so hard. i can't work right now due to pain. also although i do get out of the housesometimes, it is limited due to pain. i have a husband, but he's gone most of the time. we do eat dinner together but that is about all of the attention i get from him. the second he is done e

my husband is driving me nuts. in general he is a good guy who works hard and is responsible. he is the food natzi. he only allows me to have a small amount of junk food. he actually locks it up soi have to beg for some. yet he can eat a bag of chips or a container of nuts in 1 day. you would think i'm fat, but i'm not. i was aneroexic but got help and am at a normal weight. it makes me

i found out how to make sure you're going to heaven. that normally would be a good thing. the problem is there is a large part of me that wants to go very soon. i could be with my baby, my brother, and my dad. no more depression, no more pain, no more loneliness. sometimes it seems like a dream come true. but it would hurt the people who love me-not good. and i have a feeling i'm supposed

it feels like there is a huge hole in my heart from baby Jayden's death. i think the hole is bigger than jayden. i'm struggling with the fact that i can't have her back. another crazy fantasyis that someone will bring me a baby. i've tried a lot of things to grieve but my heart hurts so much. sometimes the pain seems to much to bare. how do you heal a broken heart? i really wish