|Dec 28 2010|
Been visiting the self esteem and positive thinking support group today. Got me thinking, Why can't I think positive? How come I have no self esteem? Then I think back on this past year and my situation now and I say to myself oh yeah thats why I can't think positive. As far as self esteem that was shattered when I was a child never to be recovered. I came from an abusive family with daily beatings and cutdowns. One day I will write about it I should I need to get it out. I haven't even told my phychiatrist all of it yet except I have flashbacks and nightmares sometimes. The one thing I told myself is my children would never be treated that way, and they never where. If anything they where spoiled. I went the opposite way and let them walk on me which isn't good either. sigh. Look where it got me. I guess i wasn't a very good mother after all the more I think about it. But when it comes to a mother loving her children well I guess I am very guilty of that.
Sitting here having my coffee it is 6 am. Nick has himself sick. gee i wonder why, after a 2 day bender. I don't feel sorry for him at all. should I? He drinks himself silly then wonders why he gets sick, then he wants me to wait on him. not happening today. I'm not in the mood for it. He can get his own water and juice. I'm tired and my fibro is acting up because i'm out of my medication. Plus emotionaly I am wiped out. I can't deal with it today. I'm not saying I don't love him, I do but there are certain things like his drinking that I don't need in my life at the moment. I have enough going on. Then why don't i leave him? sigh I feel responsible for him i guess. His health is very bad. I have tried to leave before and when I came back to the apartment to get my things I found him on the kitchen floor having sizures. What am I to do? he can't be left alone and I am afraid he will die. He is not a bad guy just an alcohalic. But yet on the flip side if I don't leave and get my own place I can't get my kids back. what am i to do? if he dies I will feel like it's my fault forever and I could not handle that. If it was just sizures wrong then I would worry but not as much he is on meds. He has many other health problems that I have to help him with and his family has all but turned thier backs on him. sigh I am in a mess. I am in the middle of loving to many people who can't be with each other and I am being torn apart. Money wise I can't get my own place right now I only get 781 a month from ssi/ssd, and I can't get any help from the county. but yet thats what they want from me. I can't come up with the deposit and the first months rent at the same time plus pay my medical bills and monthly bills as well. Guess I have a lot of thinking to do.
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