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  "Papillary thyroid cancer survivor Aug 2011" (JordanG22)

MDJunction to me

thematrix777"MDJunction has been my lifeline. In the beginning, when I was at my worst physically and emotionally people helped me through the rough times with compassion, understanding and information. As I progressed and finally got a handle on my condition, giving back that same support and hope has been my mission. To all that come here seeking help or information, you will be able to find in all of the various forums; no matter what issues you are going through, there is always a helping hand to raise you up and provide hope and support when you need it the most." (thematrix777)

MDJunction testimonials
Skye35

Skye's World

This is a place for me to express myself and find support

my brother and his wife are expecting

Jun 11 2010
they deserve it. I wish I could die. I wish I could get pregnant, I've been trying for like 5 years. It's not fair. I feel numb, shed a few tears....but I'm so numb that I don't have anytears to shed anymore....

I can't do it anymore

Jun 07 2010

Life is unbearable lately. So much loneliness. Such painful periods. I feel like I have absolutely no purpose. I just pace the house all day. I'm always hungry and I feel guilty cause it will makeme gain weight. Just need an escape. I will sleep my life away, cause I can't deal. No one will miss me right? I wonder if I passed from the world to the next if anyone would care. i've had...

sick of my drama, I'm this flighty scatterbrained bipolar crazy woman!!!!

May 07 2010
I meant to say today started off painful cause I woke up with bad cramps

Skye said:
OK so today started off painful. Yes I woke up late, like I have been lately. Just can't get to sleep and plus just sleeping so much in the day and then it screws me up for sleeping at night...oh the joys...
anyways, I get ready to go down to Steph's house. Get in the car drive 1...

My Best friend is helping me to live

Apr 28 2010
well the good news is Steph is taking care of me. I slept overnight last night and am sleeping over right now at her house. She force fed me today, drove me to the pdocs office, and kept an eye on me. She helped me talk to my pdoc(went in with me to the appointment) and my pdoc upped my lamictal to 200mgs. We'll see how that goes right? ...

I'm a fucking mess

Apr 26 2010

 

I have come to realize that I've lost 10lbs in three weeks. I haven't been eating either. But I don't see that I have lost the weight I don't see a difference :(

Who said starving doesn't work

I don't want to gain weight!!!!!!! I want to lose it, I want to be sexy and all that. damn it. I have this urge to just not eat, to say screw the meds and...

I am having company tomorrow!

Apr 20 2010
Well I am excited, I am going to have company tomorrow! My cousins Nancy and Stephie are coming. Driving a whole hour to visit with me! I am always the one who had to drive an hour to go visit everyone. I live far away from family and friends so it's hard, both on gas money and emotionally cause I just have been wishing someone would come up here....

Trazadone for antidepressant and for insomnia

Apr 18 2010

I took trazadone and ambien to get to sleep but I am not sleepy. But I have to say that I am feeling a bit better. I was researching trazadone and it's uses. Apparently it's foremost anantidepressant, which I never really knew before. But it's off lable uses are for treating insomnia. I should take a couple more to get myself to sleep.

http://depression.emedtv.com/tra...

I might get a new kitty!

Apr 18 2010
I might get a new kitty, she needs a home and my friend has been looking for a home for her. I am excited!...

Im a bad person

Apr 17 2010

I need to cut it's long over due. I need to be punished.

Every thing is wrong. I am a bad mommy I dropped Fluffy my bunny and he broke his nail and there was blood everywhere. I hurt my bunny!!!! I was sobbing while I was trying to get his nail to stop bleeding and then I had to give him a bath cause his beautiful white fur was all bloody, so I gave him a bath and had to clean down th...

sick with pms

Apr 12 2010
I've started my period which explains why I've been sleeping so much and why I've been having neck/back spasms and really bad headaches. The only thing that helps is hot baths and getting my back popped in. I will not be able to get my back popped in any time soon, at least over a month from now. I swear I will die before then. But I am running a bath......

My uncle is in Heart Surgery

Apr 12 2010
My uncle is having heart surgery today. I am scared of how it will go. He is the uncle of mine who was rushed to the ER last week while I was in Cali. He has staph infection in his whole body. If you pray please pray for him....

Warning about aspartame the sweetner used in diet beverages

Apr 12 2010

Formaldehyde Poisoning from Aspartame


Return To
Aspartame ( Nutrasweet ) Toxicity Information Center Main Page
(case historiesof aspartame poisoning, scientific docs, statements from experts, healthier sweeteners)

In 1997 there was an increase in aspartame users reporting severe toxicity reactions and damage suc...

I feel alone

Apr 10 2010
I find it amazing the things people respond to. What makes them tick. What moves them. What sort of story or interest grabs them and makes them want to reply to that person who is hurting or experiencinglife similar to theirs. I wish I knew and understood what makes a person turn their head and really look at you and see you for the first time. Or what will make them stop and say hi or stop to com...

Chaotic week in California

Apr 06 2010

So I was in California from Monday last week and got back to Maine yesterday. I fought about 50-70% of the time with my mom. There was tons of drama, like between family and everything. My uncle hadto be rushed to the ER, he's got a staph infection in his whole body and in his heart. He's got a bad heart, has for a while. He's got to get a heart surgery done. My aunt and cousin...

Manic and all over the poles ugh.....

Mar 26 2010

Yesterday I had most emotions hit me. When I left the house for Stephanies' I was totally feeling great, boundless energy. I wanted to do everything, ride horses, do my nails, loved the way I lookedin my contacts, makeup, did my hair and was wearing my sunglasses I looked hot and was happy about it! Everything I saw made me so happy, the horses running side by side in the fenced in pasture,...

Help

Mar 23 2010
anxiety attack someone help me...

You're hurting me, leave me alone!

Mar 23 2010

I've been shakey all day. I think I am being spiritually abused. I am tired of it. But can't avoid it. I am tired of being told I will go to hell cause I won't go to church anymore. Tiredof being told I should read this Christian book or that book. Tired of hearing her say that all my problems would go away if I trusted in God. I just want a break from it all. She gets on my nerves....

Overstimulation

Mar 21 2010
I'm so tired, I feel so exhausted from all that I've been doing. I just want to hide away in my house for the rest of the week.  I've had so much people contact and so many people pullingfor my attention. I just to disappear for a little while, sleep for a long time and have no one notice. Maybe some people noticing I am off sleeping or missing would be fine but damn....people and...

nightmares haunting my sleep

Mar 19 2010

Wed I went to visit a friend but I got so lost that I only got to see her for like 20 minutes cause she was she was too sick to visit. Amazingly I didn't have an anxiety attack. It was extremelyfrustrating though. That night I stayed overnight at my mom's house. I helped her on the computer and we ended up going to bed really late. I didn't sleep good at all. I had this horrible nig...

I'm manic and anxious...ughhhhhh

Mar 15 2010
I quit taking my birth control yesterday. I am still manic...same symptoms but now more anxious. I did the big no-no and took an extra Lamictal. I can't get through to my pdoc. I also took a xanax, my hands are shaking I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin......

Getting out

Mar 15 2010
Still manic today but oh well I am starting to think this is how it will always be. Making some coffee and am going to get out of the house and do some errands. I am sick of being home alone around noone...it gets boring and lonely....

Chemical Imbalances and Brain Chemistry

Mar 14 2010

Excerpts from Bipolar Disorder Demystified: Chapter 7- Uncovering Root Causes, Biochemistry and Genetics

chemical deficiency is in the neurotransmitters. When there is an imbalance thereare not enough of or too much of these chemicals:

-Acetylcholine -essential for motor movements, in learning and memory, maitaining neuronal membranes, and activating REM sleep

-Dopomine -...

Allergies are so frustrating!

Mar 09 2010

I have allergies or something...I keep getting really bad nasal congestion and then it will go away for a few days and then it gets bad again. Today has been another bad day. Can't breathe out my nose. Breathing through your nose is part of drinking, eating, yawning, sleeping...everything. I woke up this morning with a dry mouth, been having a sinus headache on and of all day. My ears keep...

CNS (Central Nervous System) Depressants

Mar 09 2010

I was reading about sleeping disorders and Ambien, and how Ambien is a CNS (central nervous system) depressant-which slow normal brain function. Useful in treating anxiety and sleep disorders. I waswondering about dosages and how high Ambien can go. Turns out the higest is 10mg and the lowest 5 mg. And that we should take NO higher than 10. I do understand that Ambien can be addicting.

So...

The Sun is Shining!

Mar 08 2010
I have been keeping busy(the good kind) but kinda stressing out too. I am going to Cali for my brother's wedding. I've been making arrangements for my dog to have her shots before I leave, andto get her a reservation at a dog kennel...and set up a eye appointment for an eye exam. I went for a walk about back in the woods and found a deer antler hanging in one of the trees on my land!!! Wic...

Little improvements every day!

Mar 07 2010

Today was uneventful. I am def. not manic anymore...more anxious, lonely, and depressed.

I went into town out of sheer boredom....just to run around and look around at the stores. I've beenwanting to do a self pedicure for a little while so I bought supplies for that and bought a waxing kit as well...def a perfect idea for a spa day!

When I got home Willow my cat(both cats are...

how do I send hugs to all my friends?

Mar 06 2010

I've done this once or twice before but I can't remember how and cant find the button to click on...someone help?

...

Invigorating, wonderful day!

Mar 06 2010

today is a beautiful day, so sunny and warm and windy!!! It's so invigorating! My pets are going crazy. I opened all the windows and let the wind blow through my house. My dog sort of lost it whenwe went outside to go potty and she just went beserk, running down to the back woods and rolling in the brown grass. I thought I'd lost her and have to go drag her back up to the house but she...

Diet time!!!!

Mar 03 2010

I slept from 8pm till 6am last night. I feel very rested...I am sort of nuetral in mood today.

I am starting to lose weight. I know it's partially due to me being sick with this cold and whatever else. But today I went on a anti carbohydrate cleanse...everything, pasta, candy, bread...gone in the trash. I know it's wasteful but I would rather waste that food then let that waste ge...

Thinking about applying for SSDI

Feb 27 2010

 I am feeling a lot better today but still stuffy but not as bad as yesterday!

My best friend is coming up to my house(driving an hour to see me) on Sunday and is going to cut and dyemy hair!!!! I am so excited, she's a hair dresser. Yippee, it's going to be fun!

I am thinking about applying for SSDI...I am nervous...I don't really want to admit that I am disab...

Sick of being sick

Feb 26 2010

Ok it has been crazy insanely busy over here. I slept over night at my mom's on Monday, she slept over at my house Tuesday and Wed. And then yesterday I drove back down there to visit with my friendStephanie and didn't get home till 3am. Been good but too busy for my liking.

My mom went with me to my pdoc appointment(and no she doesn't know about me seeing/feeling things) I to...

conspiracy

Feb 21 2010

I swear there is a conspiracy out there...I feel like they hate me, ignore me on purpose, don't visit, don't call, don't write, nothing. I feel like I am getting the short end of the stick, like I do everything and get nothing in return. Why do they all hate me so much?

They talk behind my back, they talk about the unimaginable joys I shall never have. They say it's going...

Spring cleaning, feeling energized!

Feb 20 2010

Today I was feeling better for the most part. I got a lot done today, spring cleaning. Shook out blankets and rugs of fur and washed and dried them all. Now i have a lot of folding to do. Vacuumed the house. Cleaned out the mudroom, it feels so much fresher!

I've been pretty depressed today. I have a pdoc appointment Tuesday, I wonder what med changes will be done.

I was put on...

It's going to kill me I swear

Feb 20 2010

I am so anxious today I can't stop shaking I feel so sick and like I am going to puke.

also found out the birth control I'm supposed to start taking tomorrow decreases the effectivenessof Lamictal...I can't take that! I can't have a manic attack cause of birth control! I am flipping out.....

...

Night of No Sleep

Feb 20 2010

most of my pain is gone now and so now hypermania decides to settle in and make herself comfortable. You know hypersexuality, lack of sleep or need to sleep, energy...that god forsaken thing that eludesme most of the time.

I didn't go to bed last night and I am thinking a cup of coffee will taste delicious right now :)

Rose's ear is looking better already it's amazing ho...

In so much Pain

Feb 19 2010

I am sick as a dog...both me and my dog have an ear infection

sick with my period, I'm in a lot of pain right now...so I am on antibiotics, my dog has ear drops and a spray for her dried out skin in her upper ear. So I"ve got to remember my meds and her meds now...

driving hurts, every bump and jolt on the road radiates pain, I was in so much pain while driving yesterday, i...

Anxiety all wacked out

Feb 17 2010
I've been a bit wacked out today if you read my journal you'd see why. Def Hypomanic. Hypersexuality, agitation, major anxiety...smoking a ton...well I just bought that pack of ciggerettes andwell I usually smoke about 2 a day or none at all. But today I think I smoked 5-6. That's pushing up there for me...I try to keep it low, if I can, and try to not smoke if I can help it and just t...

Extreme agitation today

Feb 17 2010

I woke up feeling really aggitated today, last night took 2 hours after taking sleeping pill to fall asleep, tried hot bath, hot tea(chamomile mind you) and candles to try to make me sleepy. I alsorelaxed in bed at bedtime reading and writing. I think my sleeping pills aren't working well anymore, I keep having a hard time falling asleep or waking once or twice at night.

woke up anxi...

I want to quite seeing therapists

Feb 16 2010

broken dreams

Feb 15 2010
forget it I am not going to do anything today. I just want to die, I can't stop crying...

Sick and things to do!

Feb 15 2010

woke up today at 5:30.I don't know what's wrong with me. I went to bed around 1am...due to watching tv and just having to finish watching a show.

Woke today with congestion and a headacheand cramps and of course depression. Makes a nice interesting combination. :(

I have things I 've got to get done today...chicken food to buy, the truck inspection among other things......

Losing it!

Feb 14 2010

woke up at 6am, I never wake up this early. Tried to go back to sleep but it's useless.

Alone on Valentines day, I miss my hubby.

Bathroom fuse blew...can't see anything in the dark. Great.

Anxiety is going up...trying hard not to lose it and break down crying.

...

Mood is lifting, gotta love the bipolar mood swings

Feb 12 2010

I did get my errands done, it is done and over with. Since taking my meds today I feel a little more energetic and a little less depressed.

I got 6 eggs today from my chickies and bought moredeodorant as well as bananas. Now that it's warmer outside we are starting to get more eggs.

The bunnies outside got their carrot spagetti(carrot peelings) and have been taken care of, cats...

No energy, no motivation

Feb 12 2010

today I am so depressed I can barely get out of bed. I fed the fish and fed the cats. And at a little food but really don't have an appetite. I haven't taken a shower/bath since Monday. I haveno purpose.

No motivation, no energy. I need to pee the dog and check on my chickens and I have errands to do...I have to do them...but I just don't care about it but I know I should.

...

trying to become active again and eat healthy

Feb 11 2010

I had a nice visit with my mother yesterday. I slept over her house Tuesday night. Pdoc appointment on Tuesday and well we didn't make any changes in my medication until we know if I am pregnantor not. I have an appointment in two weeks.

I've started to diet last week and lately have been jogging some. I would really really like to start losing some weight. I don't expect myse...

Alone

Feb 08 2010
I feel so alone, I don't know why no one talks to me :(...

where's the off switch???

Feb 06 2010

today I am hypersexual and been cleaning the house most of the day. The house is so clean and now it's nearly midnight and I am barely tired. I woke up at 10am today....a bit earlier than before. Sleep was horrid last night but as you already know if you read my previous entry.

I am making so many plans for next week, to visit people do stuff. I am going crazy from being bored, watchi...

hallucinating???

Feb 06 2010

I went to bed tonight at 8pm, took my ambien and I slept 5 hours. Up again at 1ish.

Haven't been able to get back to sleep. I am anxious again, and now I can't sleep even with a sleeping pill. I took a xanax hoping it will help me fall asleep.

Last evening as I was leaving my street, I was turning the corner and I saw a man standing there, it was just starting to get da...

forcing myself to function

Feb 03 2010

Yes I got my grocery shopping done even if I felt like a zombie haunting the isles and people didn't like my sullen face. I was not in the mood to look pleasant or even smille. Although I thinkI cracked a smile before I left the store.

I forgot the dog food and cat food, otherwise got everything else. I thought of it before I passed the other store I always get it at. But too exhuaste...

Alone again

Jan 31 2010

He's gone, the house is empty, too quiet. The ride back home, I fought with crying, I cried the whole way down to the airport. And the whole way home, I felt numb. It wasn't the fear of theunknown as it was before, but this time the fear of the known, and falling back into that familiar dark pit. The ride home, reality was too harsh, the colors too bright, details too minute and detaile...

PMS

Jan 12 2010
I feel overcome with emotions, like I could break down sobbing right now. My whole body hurts today,, humming and throbbing with PMS symptoms and cramps. I have so much to do in preparation for my hubbycoming home and I can't even do anything. I will force myself to get some stuff done. But then I need to go to bed....I feel nauseated, crampy, irritable, anxious....

Energizer Bunny!!!

Jan 11 2010

The past few days have been ok. Not feeling horribly depressed. Been reading a lot. Been reading An Unquiet Mind. I finished reading it and yesterday reread it and took notes.

Am reading Bleedingto Ease the Pain, a book on Fibromyalgia, and um....I cna't remember what the other one was. I think it's on back burner for now.

So basically my brain has been working a lot, like...

I can't sleep!!!

Jan 09 2010
cleaned the bathroom and bathtub, scrubbed the stove, microwave, counter tops, and cabinets, did dishes was up till 1am I'm too excited to sleep i am awake again...

Shining Castle

Jan 08 2010

I am bouncing off the walls, frantically cleaning my house. It will be a shining palace, it will be so amazingly clean, and I will be here waiting with my arms wide open to embrace him.

My bathroomis starting to shine, the filth is amazing, how I ever let it sink to such low standards is beyond me, I am beyond myself.

I am reading to tackle this house, I will control it, make it m...

Cant say what I want to say

Jan 08 2010

Had a fight with my exchange student the other day Wed evening. I was so pissed I didn't want to be in the house. I just left, went visiting neighbors. Like all night till around 8-9pm. It was fun :)

I stayed in bed most of the day yesterday, hiding.

Yesterday afternoon went to my friend Stephanie's hosue and hung out with two other friends. I got home at 1am. had a blast, l...

Over the top anxiety and losing control

Jan 05 2010

Ok guys one more post and I promise I will shut up!

This is an actual journal entry and not my poetry although poetry pretty much explains how I've been feeling.

Today had counseling. 8am appointment...I felt like shit, looked like shit, my eyes were puffy, just overall felt horrible and it was obvious.

My counselor took one look at me and knew something was up. So what...

Trapped Between Worlds

Jan 05 2010

(I am not sure I like the way I have this one, need to fix it I think....I am trying to think am I trapped between?)

 

What is normal, what is real?

How can I possibly understandwhat I feel?

One minute high, and the next minute low,

Is my brain my enemy, a lethal foe?

 

Bipolar extremes, between worlds I scream.

Can't get a grip, tor...

Take Me Away

Jan 05 2010

The real me blurred bewteen what may be

Shrouded in anxiety, blinded bipolar, stigma society.

Anxiety attacking, racing thoughts, confusion wrought

My brain backfiring, my brain eventuallywill rot.

Brainful mindfulness in all seriousness sought

Lost in this confusiong between worlds, lights for naught

I am entangled, estranged from myself, in this trap caught...

hypomanic and cutting

Jan 04 2010

I've been cutting like crazy I think I am hypomanic and just not like feeling great but more like aggitated....anxious....just off the wall...need this cycle to end...I need to sleep I need to take my sleeping pill but I just can't go to sleep....

I try not to talk about cutting a whole lot I know it freaks people out. Or there is this stigma associated with cutters, that all they...

Out of Control

Jan 03 2010

Flying so high, flying the blue sky

Dying crashing, crying dashing

struggling, clawing, agony amassing

Fighting to hang on , losing control

Striving to get a grip, to climb out of this shithole

Sinkhole, quicksand, rope at its last strand

Flying high, in the blue sky

Not sure where on when I will crash, or where I will land

Falling below, lowest p...

Am not coping well

Jan 02 2010

I have been agoraphobic these days...keeping the gun loaded and nearby

I do go outside...I have chickens to care for. I have a dog who needs to go potty. I have an exchange student who needs rides from school and track practice. I have to shovel my driveway and snow blow. I have to go outside. Otherwise though I wouldn't. I am thankful for so much that keeps me going, things that forc...

A robbery for Christmas

Dec 27 2009

I am doing better with pms related things. I am so exhuasted and frustrated and depressed and anxious/stressed from christmas and the events that happened. I just want to crawl into a hole and hideaway for a month. I can't deal I want to lock every lock, lock windows, doors, bar doors. Get big scary dogs to scare horrible people away, built a castle gate around me, have canons aimed at ever...

PMS and mood swings and I am just a time bomb

Dec 22 2009

Cramps are killing me. I took three aspirin. Still in pain. Finished up all Christmas shopping today. Yea...

but I have to take Hyobin out Christmas shopping cause she hasn't done any yet...I hate this...and we are supposed to have a bad storm today...I will tell her too bad if it's too bad of a storm. I still have to pick her up from school tonight.

I still haven't foun...

I finally got a p-doc appointment after 5 months of searching!!

Dec 17 2009

So I called the behavoral Health place in my area and they said they could get me counseling and that's not that i need. I keep stressing I need a pdoc and med management...and I've been tryingto get them to notice me do something make room for me something something anything but damn...

sooo she gave me the number of someone else to call, so I call. And they actually answer(amazi...

It's Raining Pain

Dec 16 2009

I used to be such a devout Christian, used to go to church, went to a Christian school and Bible college. But when I couldn't get pregnant I started to feel angry at God. Because I would see hewas blessing everyone but us with babies. We have been trying to get pregnant for 4 years at least. And now we can't because my husband is deployed for a year or longer.

And then my father d...


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