|May 13 2010|
all my life, i have been waiting to have children. i started wanting a baby from a very young age, four or five. deep down, i'm a nurturer, despite all of the nasty things i say anddo. now that i'm getting older, i find myself crying in the supermarket when i see a pregnant woman, a woman with a baby, or heck, anyone with small children. the thing that freaks me out the most is that if i did have children, they would turn out exactly like me. i had a really rotten childhood, and i would never ever ever want any child to go through anything i've (or anyone else with a shitty childhood has) dealt with. when i actually allow myself to think of a future with children, i think of extremely happy kids that are vegan running around our garden playing happily. then i think...what if my kid goes over to a friend's house and gets molested, like i did? what if they don't tell anyone about it until they're 23 years old, like me? or what if some other inexplicable thing happens, like i pass down my BPD to them, like my mother and her mother before her? what if they start cutting themselves? what if, what if what if? the 'what ifs' are endless. it's enough to make you go crazy! these are the paranoid thoughts that keep me awake all night. here it is 5:18 am and nary a head has touched the pillow...save from the dog's.
my hope in writing this is that someone out there understands and can identify with these feelings. are you afraid to have children, too? or do you have them and now something awful has happened to them, just like it happened to you? what would you do? what have you done?
i have so many questions that a therapist/psychologist just can not answer from an honest and true perspective, and getting all of that out has already made me feel a lot better. the problem is that i am an EXTREMELY paranoid BP. pretty much about everything. even writing this has been a difficult task (but not as horrendous as i thought, since i appear to be manic). but shit, i can't go on like this forever. something's gotta give (and this isn't just directly related to wanting children, this is a general statement, lol).
i will try to write again, provided you will listen. :)
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