no children |
May 13 2010 |
all my life, i have been waiting to have children. i started wanting a baby from a very young age, four or five. deep down, i'm a nurturer, despite all of the nasty things i say anddo. now that i'm getting older, i find myself crying in the supermarket when i see a pregnant woman, a woman with a baby, or heck, anyone with small children. the thing that freaks me out the most is that if i did have children, they would turn out exactly like me. i had a really rotten childhood, and i would never ever ever want any child to go through anything i've (or anyone else with a shitty childhood has) dealt with. when i actually allow myself to think of a future with children, i think of extremely happy kids that are vegan running around our garden playing happily. then i think...what if my kid goes over to a friend's house and gets molested, like i did? what if they don't tell anyone about it until they're 23 years old, like me? or what if some other inexplicable thing happens, like i pass down my BPD to them, like my mother and her mother before her? what if they start cutting themselves? what if, what if what if? the 'what ifs' are endless. it's enough to make you go crazy! these are the paranoid thoughts that keep me awake all night. here it is 5:18 am and nary a head has touched the pillow...save from the dog's.
my hope in writing this is that someone out there understands and can identify with these feelings. are you afraid to have children, too? or do you have them and now something awful has happened to them, just like it happened to you? what would you do? what have you done?
i have so many questions that a therapist/psychologist just can not answer from an honest and true perspective, and getting all of that out has already made me feel a lot better. the problem is that i am an EXTREMELY paranoid BP. pretty much about everything. even writing this has been a difficult task (but not as horrendous as i thought, since i appear to be manic). but shit, i can't go on like this forever. something's gotta give (and this isn't just directly related to wanting children, this is a general statement, lol).
i will try to write again, provided you will listen. :)
I had my 1st daughter when I was 21,I 'knew' something was wrong with me Waaaaaay b4 dx. Soooo I told myself IF i just BE THERE physically, Be there supportivly;school work & all (the kids) MAYBE it will BE o.k.
THAT was my strategy/to just be as constantly-consistent as I could,,,,& it payed off BIG time, they R both happy-emotionally-well/adjusted individuals.
Peoplw w/ mentall-illness 'I think" just have to try harder than reg parents.
Good luck & I AM SOOOO glad I made you feel better.
Deb
butcatchyusernamehere,,, I was always consistent, I knew where they were,& who they were withat all times. I had rules. STRAIGHT home after school etc.I usuaaly drove & picked them up personally.
The combination of having open-communication,being loving & supportive AND also JUST being there,cook every meal,,,Do all that together And they;ll turn out Ok,
I mean both my daughters DO have some bi-polar stuff & sometimes take meds it "IS" hereditary,but They're fine.
Deb
Members who read this post also read:
I have 2 daughters/early 20's now.
I DID-not know I had bi-polor & bpd when I had them.
Once I found out/the girls were already here,
I felt so guilty-like maybe I would destroy them or SOMETHING,
But you know what "FOR ME ANYWAY",,They both turned out GREAT;really,& they don't hate me bc I have mental-illness They LOVE me bc They Know I Did The Best I could Raising them.
JUST MY STORY?thought you might like to hear it.
Deb