Diary Entries for AstronomieDomine

10413

AstronomieDomine

Its been a long time md.

I've gained 40 putrid lbs since the therapy and medication (and lets face it, relapsing into substance control issues).

To say that Ive hated myself more for each lb would be kind.

Im going back to her, to my ana. Open armed and grinning although it will be hard at first. I'm excited to feel her again!

Thin is the only thing that makes me happy. How can that possibly be wrong?

1.08.2011

AstronomieDomine

A new year, a new life. Moments that used to be used obsessing over food and battling my own mind are now spent obsessing over food under the guidance of my therapist, a saint of patiencewho keeps trying to steer me towards the end of the darkness when I just want to stay where I am.

I want it to be over. I want it to kill me. I want to lie down in my coffin and know that there is space enough for me and my ED to be buried down together.

I don't [...]

Please please please

AstronomieDomine

When all of this started, I felt like the ED gave me so much. I felt so powerful and so in control. I felt strong and I felt beautiful. I didn't have to think about any of my problems. All I had to take care of was my ED, and she would take care of everything else. When I achieved physical perfection, everything else would just fall into place. That was our deal, an unspoken contract between us girls.

But she started asking for more. And when [...]

4910

AstronomieDomine

Here we are, a few key strokes and the click of a mouse button away from the first time declaration, the unvieling of what has become my greatest vice and all consuming element of my life.

Yet, I hesitate.

There is a part of me that loves it. The hunt for the perfect product to gourge myself on, carrying it up to the register, the sick twinge of gratification when I set it down and the cashiers eyes move from the food to me. If they're a male, [...]