I am really wishing I were back in bed right now, but I am trying very hard to make sure I write on here every day so I can look back at this and see how I felt, especially while on this IV to knowif it was a good thing or not.

 I am completely wiped today. I had a lot of trouble sleeping again last night. Tons of pain from my new friend, Mr. Picc. I ended up taking a pain killer to head off some of it hoping it would help and I think it did for the most part, but it's still tender today.

After the kids left for school I set my alarm as my daughter and I had a date to go fishing when she got home since they only have half days for finals week. I managed to get up when they got home but my son was again in turmoil and took most of what was left of my energy to talk to him about his ongoing depression once he decided to come back home. I just hate to see him suffering in so much pain, but I also know that the only way out of that terrible pit of self pity and loathing is by deciding you want out in the first place. He's still pretty stuck behind his own walls, but I am at least seeing glimpses and being able to reach him some of the time to let him know he's loved and wanted. I hope we can pull him out before he gets in too deep. I can't wait till these teen years are over and my amazing son is fully back!~

 Anyways, this apparently took more out of me than I realized, or maybe I've pushed myself more than I realized....I've been trying to keep my housekeeping and 'stuff' to light duties, but I don't know, I just couldn't seem to wake up.

My daughter wanted to go with me to do my infusion today. I thought it was a good idea as she could then see first hand that it's not that big a deal and she won't be so freaked out when I go. On that level it was a good idea, she thought it was very cool and loved the 'floating' TV's. I, however, wasn't doing too well. I started to not feel well soon after we arrived. I was tired, and started to get nauseas and my head started to bother me as did sounds and light. I thought I might be getting a migraine, but I never did. I just felt really......unwell. I was really overheated again. Now instead of always feeling overheated I fluctuate. I am either so cold or sweating. But sweating is better than feeling so hot I'm in hell and burning from the inside out! This was weird though, everyone said the room was very cool where we were.....I got some ginger ale and some graham crackers, that seemed to at least help my stomach. I kept wanting to fall asleep though, like I was before I started any meds when I would just crash involuntarily. My daughter was happy watching TV and Tony and I just sat quietly most of the time, he seemed worried, but he was tired too. I don't think he slept well today. Maybe all this is taking it's toll on him. I felt guilty that he was even there, that he'd had to get up early yet again to come with me. I don't feel strong enough to drive afterwards most of the time though, and I worry that I'll hurt someone if I do. Maybe when I get used to it. Is it weird that I react to these antibiotics so strongly like this? When I was on them for those three days, by the last day I felt SO great! I was so hoping for that reaction again, but today is the third day, no such luck.

When I got home, I went straight to bed......did not pass go.....did not even say good night. Tony was a dear, was late for work and made dinner for the kids real quick. I barely remember him coming in to kiss me goodbye. I slept till about 7ish when my daughter woke me up to eat dinner and take my meds. She's been such a dear and such an incredible help. She cleaned up everything and even switched the laundry over. Not bad for an 11 year old!~ She came in and kept me company while I ate and made sure I took the right day of pills as I now have an organizer. As a reward for all she has done recently as she has been so incredible lately, Tony and I told her she could have a cell phone upgrade before she left for Seattle to see her father for the summer. She was so excited she nearly screamed! She deserves it though, she's been a big help and I think that good deeds should be rewarded just as bad deeds should be punished. I'm hoping they will both grow up to understand that. Did I mention she even spent three days cleaning her closet this week in between helping me around the house...HER CLOSET!!! We didn't even know there was a floor in that closet!

After I woke up I also discovered that my son had disappeared again(he's grounded because his grades are in such bad shape)......when he came back I asked him to clean his room up since we'd told him to do it several days ago and was met with nothing but attitude.

I opened up my laptop and printed out a copy of the story of the spoon theory for both kids to read. Kailey seemed grateful and sad at the same time, but Kyle just seemed irritated, he didn't seem to get it.

After I sent Kailey to bed for the night, I invited my son in for a chat. I told him that I  didn't give him that story to make him feel bad or to make him feel guilty about his behavior. Then I told him that I understand he is under a lot of pressure and stress and I am so sorry for how bad he feels all the time right now. I wish there was more I could do to help him. I want so much to help him. I also told him that I love him so much and I really really think he's the most amazing person. He got a little teary and said that I don't tell him that very much anymore. I told him I'm so sorry that I don't say it enough because I think it all the time, even when I'm mad.

Then I turned the conversation back to the story of the spoons. I know he's going through a lot right now, but physically it's really important that he understand why it is that he help around here without giving everyone a hard time. It's also important that he knows why sometimes I have to say, yes we can go to that store, but no we can't go to the mall......or why I say, I have to see how I feel so I can't tell you if we can go yet or you can go but I don't want to be the parent that is driving....I need him to get it, not from a selfish teenager point of view, but really, really get it and this story is truly the best analogy I have ever seen.

So we talked about that a little more, and I think he heard me a little more.....but truthfully I am hoping that he reads it over again because I'm not sure he read it with the true spirit in mind. Now he's hanging out in my room and seems to be in a pretty good mood, maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

As for me, nausea is gone, not too many body aches, slight headache left but mostly just really tired....I sure hope I start to feel better soon. A client called today and wants to see four houses in a row on Saturday! I'm not sure I have enough spoons for that yet.