Diary Entries for Arual001

fresh start?

Arual001

i am going, hopefully tommorow, to a new facility in state college, pa to start from scratch...... maybe i'm not bipolar, but i will miss you guys if that is the case. i am startig from scratchwith diagnosis.... hopefully i have the guts to be honest about drug use.... i just cannot go on this way.... you know that...i want to that those that reached out to me... you will always be in my thoughts and prayers.... love, laura

IT IS A CRUEL WORLD

Arual001

LIFE WILL DESTROY YOU. THOSE OF YOU THAT HAVE LOVED ONES WHO TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT AND DIGNITY ARE SO LUCKY YOU HAVE NO IDEA. LIFE IS CRUEL AND DEATH IS THE ONLY COMFORT

good riddence 2010

Arual001

this year totally sucked. i have fucked my whole life up again. had several hospitilizations. am no better for all of it. still depressed and wanting to self-medicate. don't know how things could possibly change for the better just because it will be another january 1st. this cycle of self-destruction is never-ending. until death i guess.

Doomed to live in my private hell

Arual001

just spent a little over 2 weeks inpatient... had 5 shock treatments. left against medical advice. felt great for a few days but have now relapsed back into hell. i really thanked godwhen i felt better. now i don't know what to think or feel. i feel like telling god to fuck off. i hope this doesn't offend anyone, but i'd rather have cancer or something. because noone understands this illness that i do have. people keep telling me stupid shit l [...]

acupuncture

Arual001

i had an acupuncture session yesterday. he did points that are supposed to be helpful for depression and anger. i 've had it once before but i wanted to document my sessions and how i feel afterward from now on.

my normal?

Arual001

at least i am sleeping but i have f*cked up dreams of drugs and sex. could be worse i guess, lol. have been clean but craving coke like crazy... the cravings get so bad i just cry and beatmy fists. will it ever go away. i have still been staying in bed all morning... the days just seem soooo long. the kids are sooooo exhausting. waiting for a call about work. think that'll be good for me for a change to be productive and not broke all the time. still [...]

can't sleep

Arual001

i just can't fall asleep even though i'm exhausted and when i do sleep i have horrible dreams. this is a new development for me. usually my sleep is okay so this sucks... i have a call into the pdoc for some help but have not heard back yet. i wish the nightmares and weird dreams would stop. i dream about having a psychotic break, an ex who beat the shit out of me on a regular basis or needing drugs. yuck.

crisis

Arual001

on saturday i had a crisis. i can't go into detail because of the rules on this site about my SA, but i did something that could have killed me. i woke up that morning and just couldn't think or deal with anything or anyone. i really don't know what to say because there is so much that happened that i can't say. now i am at my parents for the week, instead of the hospital. they are looking out for me and helping me with my children. i think i had a m [...]

my dreaming death

Arual001

so i take my kids to school and go back to bed every morning because i am just miserable and want to sleep. my bf hates this so much. but anyway, this morning i dreampt that i took my whole bottleof klonopin. then i started thinking about my children and decided i wanted to call for help but i couldn't open my eyes or move. it seemed so real and was very scary. finally i woke up and realized it was just a dream. i don't know what to make of this.

need motivation

Arual001

suprisingly i don't feel horrible today like i usually do. not up, just ok. it's nice, but i still need some motivation to do some cleaning up around this place. my kids' room is a total mess. my room is a total mess and the bathroom needs a good cleaning. i've been going through a lot of shit recently, having turned to some drug use to cope and now feeling addicted. this is a problem. i have an addictive personality and have trouble when somet [...]

sick of it all

Arual001

i'm so sick and tired of being depressed. there are no more medications to try and even all the ects i had have not kept me from going back down. before my eyes are open the depressionis there. i have no motivation to do anything at all. i try to drown it out with alchohol and drugs which probably just makes things worse. i just know it'll never change and i don't know how to keep going. how?

Who am I?

Arual001

I have finally finished my masters degree (social work) and should feel proud and happy, etc. I am relieved it is finished, but feel let down and like what now? Can i handle a full time job? I couldn't handle 2 years of school without a 302, a voluntary hospitization and ect. So i don't know. I have also been having these feelings well up in me like i want to get in my car and just drive away from it all. i suppose that's kinda normal. i have [...]

How to be a better Mom

Arual001

I'm mostly stable these days, but still struggle with losing my temper with my kids. Boy, they are a handful. My oldest may be bipolar herself, not sure yet, she 's only 9, the other girlis almost 3 and has lots of tantrums. My fiance yells when things get all nuts. The neighbors must think we're all crazy. I just hate how my children have to suffer because of my disease. The klonopin makes me so tired, my daughter has called me lazy.... I can't blame her [...]

what to do?

Arual001

I still have some really bad days, depressed and anxious, even after the 14 ects.... now the docs want to do weekly ects. I said no, they said what about every 2 weeks. I don't know what to do... I hate it so much, I'm a burden on my family when I have the treatments, my dad has to drive 2 hours to help out for the day cause i cant drive afterward. and I don't know, I just hate them and don't know how much it really helps. If after 14 I am still having some bad days I think I jus [...]

am I better?

Arual001

Next week I will have ect #14. Yet this morning I wanted to crawl back under the covers and cry. I have raging anxiety too. I don't think I'll ever get better I think I just needto accept my life as it is. I'm on a new antidepressent, pristiq, and we'll have to see how that goes, but I have to say I'm not very optomistic. I had thought maybe the ect's would change everything but it is still a struggle. Nothing to do but keep going I guess. [...]

still a fight

Arual001

i think the ects are helping, but i still feel very weird and anxious. i think i'm nervous about being so behind in school and internship. that damn internship, i'll be glad when that's over. i think i'm anxious to get back to it to finish up. my mood is better although my motivation is still absent. i don't know what to do about that. my therapist wants my to just try to have an attitude of gratitude. i think i can do that. i'm so thankful fo [...]

more ect

Arual001

i had #5 today. i think i may be feeling a tiny bit better. i just want to go home, i know that. hopefully monday i can get out of here although i think i will still need more ect. maybe bilateral. i just want to be happy for god's sake is that too much to ask?

Crashed

Arual001

Well i had a second ect and just felt like smiling and smiling afterward. but then the next day, today i crashed hard. I see why they don't do just 2 treatments. i slept most of today, just wanted it to pass by. I hope tomorrow goes quickly too. I can wait to have another ect on monday. I 'm sick of being in the hospital too, but know i need to be here at least next week. So right this moment i am pretty miserable. but after tomorrow things will improve again [...]

Had first ECT

Arual001

I had my first ect yesterday and i have another tomorrow morning. I don't feel any different but they said it is normal to not feel anything after just 1. Hopefully there will be noticibleresults from tomorrows. Maybe they will crank up the juice a little more and shock me really good! lol My boyfriend said that my face looks different though and that i gave him a "real" smile for the first time in months. I am still on the eating disorder floor, it is quite nice her [...]

Inpatient

Arual001

well i got my bed. now i'm bored off my ass, lol. although things are progressing, i had my chest xray and ct scan today and my meds are being tapered off so i may get the ect as early as wednsday. time just moves so slowly here, i'm not much of a talker with people really. i read an entire book yesterday. the staff is all very nice except one lady who talked to me in a way that i felt was insulting and so i loudly called her a bitch, she said thank you. what a stupid bitch, lol. so i ni [...]