|Sep 16 2008|
I'm frightened that I'm beginning to understand why people with BP (or any other psychological disorder) would get to the point where suicide is an option. I keep telling myself and my familyI would never kill myself; but as I sink deeper into this horrible depression, I find myself understanding the need, even the craving, to end it all. I sleep constantly because that's the only relief I get, and I find myself thinking about eternal sleep. Again, I tell myself it's not an option, not something I would ever do to myself or my family. I don't think I'll get to that point, but as I gain a greater understanding of what BP does and how it affects people, I see that thoughts of suicide might be closer than you think, might sneak up on you in the midst of your despair. I can see how people would see it as an end to all the pain, because this hurts so much. You get so tired of crying all the time, waiting for the meds to maybe work. And what if they don't? What if they're not the right meds and you have to go through still more waiting while the pdoc tries to figure it out? I talked to a woman on the phone today as part of my job and she was very depressed and suicidal. Although I asked her if she was okay and not going to hurt herself, I UNDERSTOOD where she was coming from. And that's what scares me, because if I can understand other people reaching that point, something I could never understand before, then what's to stop me from reaching the point where I just can't take this anymore. When all there is in your life is sadness and crying, or snapping at your kids and husband; when you can't even do the job you've done for years because all of a sudden it doesn't make sense, so you're worried about the bills and losing your house; when nothing makes sense in your life anymore - that's when you get closer and closer to the acceptance that suicide could be an option. An end to the pain. And yet I tell myself, that could never happen to me. But what if? It's frightening.
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