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Sadlock

Recovery - One Breath at a Time

Sep 12

Sep 12 2008

My whole world feels like its coming apart around me. All I can do is cry. If I'm not crying, I'm snapping at the kids. Work is falling apart. The house is falling apart. My life is falling apart. My heart hurts so bad that all I want to do is go to sleep so it will stop hurting. I've been on these meds for 2 weeks now, WHEN will they start to make me feel better?

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written by zinnia, September 12, 2008

i'm so sorry you're feeling that way. i can honestly say that there are so many times in my life that i have said the exact same words you have written here. unfortunately, the meds can take more than two weeks to start working, and dosages may have to be adjusted. you can't stop taking the meds even if you think they're not helping. you just have to walk through this period one step at a time. i have found that when i get into the state you are in, i have to stop and ask myself what is making me the most sad and miserable right now. usually, it's that i don't feel like i'm being a very good mom. so i concentrate on that and i let the house be messy for a while or i call my mom and ask for help. i didn't always do these things. i used to just let it keep overwhelming me until i was in a gigantic mess. you really have to practice. and it just SUCKS to be patient. keep coming here and getting support. this is a group of folks who know what you're going through and will be here to support you.

i'll be keeping you in my thoughts. i am a single mom of 7 and 10 year old boys and i run my own business. i do understand where you're coming from. if you ever need to talk, feel free to pm me. even if i'm not online when you need to write, i will always get your message and write back.

peace.
z.

written by sadlock, September 14, 2008

Sept. 14. Today is better than last time I wrote. The overwhelming sadness if better, but not gone. I'm still having a hard time trying to focus on work (yes, I'm working on a Saturday because I'm so far behind now). I've got one case that was started by someone else who did such a lousy job that I have to completely re-write tbe investigation, and possibly re-interview all the people she spoke to. She was an aboslute idiot and I am so ANGRY at her for doing this to me, especially when I'm going through all this with Bipolar and being newly diagnosed, still getting the meds straight. I swear I want to walk down to her house and scream at her about how stupid she is, but I promise I won't do that. Not that it would get me anywhere, anyway (sure would make me feel better though). Even though the depression seems to be lifting a tiny bit, I'm starting to feel angry and irritable with everyone, which I guess is all part of Bipolar. This diagnoses really SUCKS!!!! I absolutely hate what it has done to my life and if I even think about it I start to cry all over again.

Okay, deep breaths like Zinna said. I think I need alot more deep breaths.

written by sadlock, September 15, 2008

Sept. 15. I woke up this morning, not wanting to wake up at all. It's so much easier to sleep, because it doesn't hurt while I'm sleeping. The past two days were pretty good for me and I felt like the depression was lifting. Today is a let-down, though, as I feel the clouds seeping into my heart again. This is such a roller-coaster ride and all I want to do is get OFF! I'm sitting here at my desk, staring at all the work I need to get done, and I don't even know where to begin. What happened to the old me who could plow through these cases like there was no tomorrow? I miss the old me so much and I want her back! I want to feel smart and funny and pretty and happy again - is that even a possibility. I hate this disease, this Bipolar. How am I ever going to live my life like this? Crying again for no particular reason, and it sucks.

written by sadlock, September 15, 2008

Well, didn't get any work done, because I'm still sitting here staring at the computer. I have 7 cases to work on, plus a typing project, and I don't want and can't do any of it. Yes, I'm having a pity party. Tough.