|Oct 02 2008|
I am so scared right now. I don't do pain, have never been able to deal with it. But here I sit with a kidney stone, one week after going through opiate detox and of course I can'ttake anything for relief except Tylenol which doesn't do shit. I feel like I'm sinking into that black hole again on top of everything else and it just doesn't feel like I can catch a break. So far since I've been diagnosed with BP I've lost my job, can't pay the bills, will probably lose my house and file bankruptcy, my car died, I'm going through opiate withdrawal, and now have this kidney stone. Can't go back to work because I'm up one day and down the next, my weight is still to low and I have no energy and still anemic, my side hurts from the stone, etc., etc. Thought maybe if I wrote that all out it wouldn't seem so bad, but it just seems worse. Can't even afford to go to the addiction support meetings so I'm on my own here. Sometimes I hate being alive cause everything hurts. Its bad enough to hurt in my heart and hurt from the withdrawal, but did I really deserve to have a kidney stone too? And couldn't that have happened BEFORE detox so I could take pain meds? Just don't want to be here anymore if all I ever have to look forward to is pain.
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