Leaving my mid-30's behind |
Aug 10 2011 |
Well I will be 36 in 9 days- it is funny because in my self destructive life I always said I would never live to be 36- so I guess it is sort of a miracle- all the drugs I used and stupid things I did- amazing to be in 1 piece- but there is also the fact of my illness and I am still feeling so full of rage and so bored yet tired and the meds help but not all the way- I know I cannot expect them to- I quit talking to my ex for now- he is getting a divorce and he does not want to interfere with my marriage- it just made me feel like I have not felt in a long time- I know it would never work for 1000 reasons- I just keep wondering at this point in my marriage, do I still love him the way I should? We have been through so much and true we are still together but I have a lot of resentments and bitterness about the past- and I know I have not been at all easy to live with- he does so much and I am so dependant on him- I am just passing into a new phase and am evaluating what I can take- and more than anything I want peace and no negative energy around me- I just feel like my husband might not fit that bill- maybe we should live next door to each other- seriously :)
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