Road to sanity is paved with rocks

Well I have not been on here in a very long time- I feel so numb these days it is hard to speak to anyone- after me and my husband did a trial separation last Nov/Dec, he came back and everything seemedbetter, he got a great job, best he has ever had, and is buying a nice truck from our brother in law who moved to Dubai- well he kept drinking a lot, and now that he makes this great money he has be

We finally moved into the most awesome oceanfront place- it is an apt. which I said I would never do again, but we have the best corner unit closest to the beach- when it is high tide we aremaybe 30 feet from the water- beautiful views, soothing ocean sounds anytime- my dream come true- my son has all his best friends within walking range and I am trusting him more- he is adjusting to

Well once again our life is turned upside down- I came out to go to the store and caught a guy under our carport trying to break into my husband's work trailer- it freaked me out becausea few months back our license plate was stolen and used in a murder. Also the last 2 months our electric bill has doubled- $400 a month! We are so far behind we will never catch up- so we talked our

Well I will be 36 in 9 days- it is funny because in my self destructive life I always said I would never live to be 36- so I guess it is sort of a miracle- all the drugs I used and stupid things I did- amazing to be in 1 piece- but there is also the fact of my illness and I am still feeling so full of rage and so bored yet tired and the meds help but not all the way- I know I cannot ex

I have been with my husband almost 16 years. I love him but really do not find him very supportive or understanding of my issues- he throws a lot of stuff in my face and we argue a lot. All I want at this point in my life is peace- but he does not believe that- I feel I am always getting prejudged, or punished, for past actions that I have been working so hard to get over.

I am in shock- numb- after hearing the verdict in the Casey Anthony trial- how in the Hell could 12 people really all agree she did nothing wrong? Maybe there was no forensics, but circumstancialevidence can and is used, and common sense could go a long way- now a murderer is free to roam the streets- young enough to have many more babies- I only hope they will not meet the same end

My parents live in New Mexico- we have not lived in the same state in over 13 years- my son is 11, and they have only seen him a handful of times throughout his life. This summer they wanted to spendmore time with him and us, so they came to visit us in Florida. We went to see St. Augustine, all the forts and ancient village- we went to the Keys and did a glass bottom boat ride to the reef 7 m

Mother's Day- bittersweet- I have the best son I could ever hope for. I just wish I had a relationship with my Mom- we sort of do, but it has always been very strained and sometimes nonexistent- she never said I love you when I was growing up, and she always thought I was a horrible kid- I guess I was, but I was going through a lot of stuff she did not realize I was allready mental

Manipulative- this is my word of the day- I have been reading my book I got from the library, Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies- it says that one of the reasons others do not understandpeople like me is that we seem "normal" so they see us as manipulative- then when my switch is triggerred, I go nuts in a rage or crying or whatever and they see a whole other side so

I try not to put too much faith into it when I start feeling good. Things always seem to go bad- the bottom always seems to drop out. My husband has a good job- finally a real job- we may have to move, and that makes me wonder- our son starts Junior High in the fall- and he will be in all advanced classes- he has made all A's his entire life- he is brilliant- it came from my father

Last weekend was my 6th trip to an inpatient mental facility. I do not drink- occasionally i will, but it is not something I do often anymore. I had not been out in over a year, so I went to a friend's with a 6 pack of beer, intending to drink a couple of beers and head home. After we drank a few beers, my friend said we should go to a bar, and for some reason, it sounded like a go

Well. I do not know how I am feeling right now. My husband just landed a great job- the kind we have been waiting forever for. Only problem is they have 4 months work in our area, then we would have to move 2 hours south- still on the coast, just due south. I could care less where we live, but my son loves his school and friends- this is the longest he has lived in 1 place his entire l

Well I started my meds almost 2 months ago. After the first couple of weeks, I was feeling pretty good- I was keeping up housework a lot better and having more energy- although it is hard getting used to the seroquel hangovers. Now I feel like I have hit a wall again- I know meds do not fix everything- I just really do not know how I am supposed to feel anymore- the klonopin is helping

Well I have not written in a while- trying to get used to my meds- it is not easy- they feel like they are working- sort of, but the effexor is making me so I am never hungry- I have to forcemyself to eat. The seroquel gives me a major hangover but it is getting better, and it sure cured my insomnia! I got the dreaded letter in the mail that I get once a year telling me that the guy wh

Well it has been almost 2 weeks since I started my new meds. It has been so long since I took them I forgot how bad it can be at first. For months being nonmedicated and very insomniac, I was sleeping 3-5 hrs a night. I think I am making up for it now! I know it will pass but it is so hard- I am sleeping all night- and then still tired in the day. I am not hungry at all. But for some r

Well I finally had my Dr. appt today. I had to change back to my previous plan and use my old dr. from a year and a half ago-I really like her, I was just trying to lower my co-pays- that is one ofthe many excuses I gave myself as to why I could not stay on me meds. I do this all the time- I have tried countless meds and either could not stay on them more than a month or two, or something would

I have not been on here in a couple of weeks- been feeling so numb and empty and confused. Finally got my ins card and info and my appt is 2 weeks away- I know I have done it to myself nottaking meds for so long, it just is so hard, meds have never worked for me- I am desperately hoping they will find something now that I have better insurance. I have been very angry lately- not really

Still waiting on my new medicare ins. card to arrive so I can make an appt. with psych to start back on meds. So tired of feeling anxious and angry- having lots of rage issues lately. My sonturns 11 next week, and most kids in Florida have beach parties- we live a block from the beach, but it is too cold in Jan. So we decided to take our son and 6 of his friends out to dinner and then

Well it is the last day of 2010- I never thought I would make it. The last few months have been Hell- I have been on the worst roller coaster of my life and each day has brought the thoughtsof going back to the hospital or wishing I would get ran over by a train- now as i am preparing for the new year and a new dr., and beginning meds again, I am also thinking they may have my diagnosi

Wow I cannot believe this year is finally over. I thought it would drag on forever. Hoping next year will be my year. To find the right meds and stay on them- I am ready to give it 100%. Not sure I was ever really ready before. This year is a year of firsts, for Christmas at least. The first year my son does not believe in Santa, so we do not have to do the whole stocking, milk and

Well it is 3:15 am and I am not tired at all- even though I was actually very busy all day and went on a 2 mile hike. Trying to be more active- it is hard but we have so many beautiful beaches and hikingtrails along the intracoastal that I really do not have an excuse not to go. At least staying up late means I am getting to watch the lunar eclipse- I love star watching and it is very pretty. Also

This time of year always seems to have bad things for me. We have all been sick the last few weeks, and now my cat is in the hospital, he had to have emergency surgery yesterday. I am so thankful he isgoing to be okay- he is my favorite of our 5 pets- my baby. But his vet bill is going to be around $700- and right before Christmas! But I am just happy he is okay. My son has 2 more days of school u

Well I actually got 6 hrs sleep last night so I feel sort of better today- my insomnia is really out of control. Cannot wait until January and getting back on meds! Maybe I will finally be able to sleep. My son is doing great in school as always- he is in 5th grade and in the math and science club- he gets the highest marks and is doing high school level algebra- do not know where he gets his geni

Well I have not been on here in a long time. This time of year is always very hard for me. November 13 was the 26 year anniversary of my aunt's murder. The man that killed her- or should I say themonster that killed her- is probably going to be paroled next summer- so this year has been really hard. The nightmares and audio hallucinations have been strong lately. I am trying very hard to hold

Wow- after all this time I really do not know how much more I can take. Soo sick and tired of  others treating me like crap and I am just supposed to take it and not say a word or elsethey just point out the fact that I am "crazy". And this is coming from my so called family. All because I do not allow people to walk all over me without at least letting them know my opin

Well I am here. JUst woke up.Actually slept more than 4 hrs for once. I am actually going to go and do something social today- kind of hard for me, but we have old friends of family who livean hour south, and they invited us for lunch. Hope it goes well. I feel numb again- I hate this wierd buzzing feeling my body gets- almost like I was on something, but I'm not-? Do not know why.

Well I am here. Second day. I feel really numb today. Got up and went to get groceries, came home, now my husband is at work. Not really sure how I feel. Kind of gives you hope to talk to other people, but I am not convinced that anything will ever work for me. I am sick of the pain. Tired all the time, but not able to sleep at night when I should. Also, very scared that I will pass

Where to start? I have been suffering great pain  for many years. I always knew I was "different"- even with close friends, never felt a real sense of belonging. I wish I knewwhat it was like to have a normal life, if only for a short while- and I know, there is really no "normal", I would take better! I am a really nice person inside, but seem to clash with a