Relief I've found others who understand...

It's Christmas.  Strangely, it could be January or February.  I'm about to talk about something I never have faced.  It will free me.  The person who deserves this diarypost was never me.  I always was.  I knew things could change, but I lost a precious person in the process.

Then, irrational, insane decisions because of a disease.  What do I do now?  Hell, pull myself up by my bootstraps like I've always done.  This won't get to me!  This lunatic power struggle is over. You never grew up and chose a downward spiral.

Now, as I deal with the feelings, I realize that you could not stand that I would speak up.  No cowering for me!  I had had enough of that when I was very young.  Then, you could do as you pleased.  And doing as you pleased meant a lot of fear, hurt, and anger in what others saw as our picture-perfect 'Leave it to Beaver' family.  I never bought it for one minute and when I threatened to call the police if you ever did anything like THAT again, it was as if God took my hand and was showing me how to get out of your grip.

Now, I will finally deal with feelings that I was disposable to you.  And later, to tell people you were worried about me.  Give me a break.  You would do anything to make yourself look good. Once if have resolved these feelings, I will probably still feel as if you only existed as an immature drunk; like an older brother who chooses to make other's lives miserable as he wallows in a 'woe is me' state.  A burden will be lifted off of my shoulders very soon.  And I am doing this for ME -- no one else.