|Mar 16 2010|
I feel like I am just surviving. I've finally finished enrollment into UAT and I have managed to get enough grant and scholarship money together to be able to attend. I mean...I'm 3k shorta year, but that is a reasonable amount to come up with. I also need to get a new computer ASAP. Uggg...so 4k the first year. But all in all, I think that is a good start.
Lately, I have been really trying to understand all that happened in the past. For the longest time I just tried to survive. I realized recently that I have daddy issues. I have always wanted a father, and I guess I accepted Paul so readily just because I wanted one of those. Now I know that that was a mistake. I reread all of the nasty messages that he has sent me and I have looked into the memories I have of my interactions with him, and now I know that he was just a very bad influence on me. He just made me feel small and alone. He made me hurt myself. During my childhood and teen years he really drilled self doubt and self hatred into me. It has been really hard to get past those early traumas. It's hard to feel self worth and love. I honestly wish he had never adopted me. He put all of his own issues on me when I was too young to really understand what was going on. He put me down just so that he could feel better. I don't know if I can ever forgive him for any of that. I also can't forgive him for the physical pain that he caused. He was a good father until I was old enough to have my own opinions...after that it was brutal. I am not overly sensitive. I am not weak. He really was cruel and nasty and he really hurt me. At this point I can say without a doubt that he will never apologize to me. He probably doesn't even think he ever did anything wrong, because everything is someone else's fault.
Then there is my mother. She just had me too young and I was just a little sister to her or something. Because of all of the shit she went through as a kid and teen, she is incapable of feeling for anyone else. Period. She probably didn't notice the changes in me after leaving me with her dad. She may not have thought he would do the same to me that he did to her. Uggh...who knows.
Anyways, now there is the here and now. I need to get over this whole depression thing and just get out and make money and go to school. I'm finding it hard to get out of bed and live. It's all really hard when you feel dead. I feel like I am on the precipice of being truly content, despite all of the pain and scaring weighing on me. I actually like where we live now. I like being physically away from the parental units. I like the people here. I love the culture and the music. I love Isaiah despite our constant spats. I hate feeling like I am half dead when I want to want to live and enjoy life.
Well, I am sure all of this shit can wait until tomorrow. For now....the IT Crowd. I need to work on writing every day. That should help.
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Why does everything have to be so damned hard?
what I've dealt with so far...
It all came flooding back!