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redwood I am hoping by journaling here, I can see some progress and recognize my relapses. Hoping I can also connect with others who have been or are going through what I am.


Confused Thoughts & Dark Days

Apr 20 2010

Well, I think I am in the middle of a couple "dark days".  The good news is that instead of despair I feel kind of numb and mildly annoyed/depressed.  Maybe that is progress.  Hopefully it is not the beginning of a downward slide.

I am still not sure what "triggers" these days.  This time it seems to be a calamity of errors starting with my husband's latest business trip.  The previous trip came and went without incident.  I felt great while he was gone and enjoyed my alone time - it was almost a little scary.  Did this mean I was healing or that I wanted to be away from him?  Well, last week I got a little teary when he was leaving and missed him that first night - so wished I could hold him.  I felt a little sad but also reassured that I was progressing mentally enough to enjoy alone time but still could miss my husband.

The next morning I got an email from him saying that he was disappointed that I didn't leave a voice or email for him while he was in flight.  I did leave a text, but that didn't count since I was leaving it in response to a text of his.  My emotions plummeted.  I felt that old feeling of "not doing things right".  He said later that he thought I didn't understand what made him feel loved.  I told him that I was sorting out my own feelings and couldn't be responsible for his.  In the old days (and this time) I felt that of all the things I do for him to make him feel loved, it is not enough because I overlooked something - and that I will never be successful at this.  I realize this is all being codependent - how did I get back here?

Then he came home after taking the red-eye, not sleeping almost all night and not sleeping well the nights before.  I felt like the addictive husband was back (I asked him if he acted out while he was gone, he said no but there is no way he would tell me the truth anyway).  Angry, somewhat jealous, making statements like he didn't think he could make me happy.  He said that he retreated because I was emotional when he left - always made him feel good before that I would miss him so much.  My brain just starts tumbling.  I don't know how all this effects me, I don't know what I feel, I don't know what to say to him because I am too confused.  These conversations don't make sense to me - so I can't make sense of them - so I just shut down I guess.

I suppose that is where I am now - shut down.  I can't make sense of anything.  What he says doesn't make sense to me.  I can't reason through and get to a conclusion.  So, I am just closed.

 



Previous diary posts by redwood:
Comments (1)Add Comment
written by catfrogs, April 26, 2010
Closing is one of your defense mechanisms. It is you trying to protect you.. Try not to be hard on yourself. It sounds like your emotions are fluctuating quite a bit - Also very understandable.

I just want to say that I HATE IT when the guy says "Obviously I can't make you happy" or "I never do things right," yadda yadda. !! Like It's all black and white in the first bloody place - that - and who made THEM responsible for our happiness? That goes he same for us.

He is disappointed that you didn't love him correctly? My now ex-boyfriend made a card for me on V-day. It wasn't flowers. I would have much preferred _____ (put whatever you would wish for here) but the reality is, I Knew that he loved me.. Maybe he doesn't get it right all the time, but then asking nicely - hey, I missed your usual texting.. I really like it when you do that. Has a much better affect than negative disapproval.

We ALL react better to thoughtful requests than to demands!

Good luck with this. Give yourself a hug. You're trying and it seems like you are doing the best that you can.

Kika

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