STill struggling to move forward.

I am stilll moving forward and clinging so bad that I feel as if my finger tips a nubby and bloody.  They put me on buspar very low dose and are easing me up until I am stable.  They had my TCm show up later that day to see how I was doing after my appointment and emotional outbursts from having an alternate TCm whom is a man take me.  Big nono on my part.  Sorry guys but my reservations are due to different types of abuses from guys in my past.  So I trust only Hubby, certain uncles, brother, father and "brothers" ( close friends that I know that are friends like family to me and hubby)

I am still crying and not wanting to do anything.  Oh did I even say what happened?  Okay so I go to the psych and my TCM is supposed to take me.  SHe couldn't had a guy take me.  Very ugly scene.  I was stiffer then a cadaver in the car and hugged the door the whole time.  Had an emotional breakdown at the facility, threw up, bused out in hives, had to use   the rest room numerous times, and woudln't alk until 30 minutes later.  My psych calms me down cuses out my TCM and even adjusts my meds cause up until now she thought I gues that its just not that bad.  Now my language is very proper when I see them and I told her to F### Off!  She didn't live my life for me or have to hear mykids cry because mommy doesn't want to play and she cries all of the time.  ANd for  me that's worse then torture.

So by now I leave ride home w/ the guy feel a little more comfortable.  Start talking.  He asked what the nieghborhood was like.lol, and hwy I am the way I am.  I saidMental abuse, rape, and sadistic bastards can do that to a gal.  Especially the ines that need a lesson taught!!!  HE asks what I meant I say like the guy whom liked to expose himself when he lived next door and pee on my fence every time my daughter came out to play.  I simple said if he valued the use of it he wouldn't do it anymore and then he kept it up... So battery acid and a squirt gun can do wonders!!  A drop is all it takes.  So I get dropped off and a follow up from TCM later that night talking about I needed anger management classes.  I said NO B@@@@@  I nee a**hole management classes!!! 

So later this week like two days after this happens I am stressingnot wanting to be near anyone...I go to my moms I had this gut feeling I needed to go and I went.  An hour after being there my brother starts screaming his back his back!!!  and he goes out the front door I follow.  He lives upstairs form mom and he holds the banister for the stairs and his legs give way.  I catch him and ask WTF?  He says he can't feel his legs and then starts to try to pass out.  HE's 6'1 and 210 pounds here I am 5'7 and 312 pounds and somehow I lifted him and carried him into moms house.  With no effort at all.  I was just so Fing angry.  Thinking why me now?  SO I get him picked up call 911 and stay w/ him all day.  I still say I suck.  Because I can't handle any more.!!!