Diary Entries for rediscoveringme

my life, stress and needing a well deserved break....never gonna happen

rediscoveringme

The past year has been hell. My husband's health goes from good to bad to God knows. He has been in ICu and had to have extensive tests done only to find out he has Kidney cysts or at least what looked like them. He has bad pain and his ability to what he use to is going to hell. It gets worse each day.

What is worse are the kids. My son has issues with allergies and asthma we are treating him for broncular numonia in his left lung due to an att [...]

today...just today

rediscoveringme

Couldnt stop crying today. Daughter went to ent. Has to have surgery wouldnt be so bad but has to go to shriners due to pain and her joints not working right. It started begining this month getting worse and I am getting mad that no answers come fast enough because she is in pain. Surgery removal of tonsils and adnoids too big and she cannot breathe when sick or laying flat...then she has a 3 hr drive in a few weeks to go to another city for a specialist for allergies. [...]

another bad day

rediscoveringme

I feel like crap. We missed out on the house. I am depressed. so upset. I can not do anything right. I tried and I still try. I just can not try any harder. What moredo I have to offer? What more than what I have given can I give? If I am giving my all and its good enough then I am not good enough. I judt sm not.

screaming the world,karma,everyine,everything agianst me!!!!

rediscoveringme

Why am I even alive? I can't do anything right. All I want to do is cry and for as much as I am struggling to just get day by day I just cannot get past anything. I tiredto surprise my husband and get him a laptop and it was gauranteed to work, wasnt two days and crash!! I have been house hunting and I want to scream!! With the way I have to get to that goal and with how I have to do it I get to just where the fingertip can just brush to get there and then I [...]

Frustraion, depression and tears

rediscoveringme

I have been trying to get better and thought I was ok. I had to move the environment I was in wasn't safe for any of us anymore. Atmosphere was bad in the area. Was tired of crying. Ironically cried when we moved. i was scared and hopeful it would ust turn the switch off and then I could have a normal life. Meds don't work any more. Dr has to video conference. Insurance won't pay for it. Can't make it to counciling. Over20 [...]

Am I a robot?

rediscoveringme

I feel like one. Day in and day out I do the same things over and over. Sometimes w/out thinking of them. I am barely awake and walk my children to school then I wonder how I even did it later in the day. Its like walking around in a cloud and your body knows the routine so it just odes it.

I see very little change w/ my meds adjustment. I feel no different except, jokingly, that my tear ducts have become dehydrated because I am not crying anymore.&nb [...]

STill struggling to move forward.

rediscoveringme

I am stilll moving forward and clinging so bad that I feel as if my finger tips a nubby and bloody. They put me on buspar very low dose and are easing me up until I am stable. They had my TCm show up later that day to see how I was doing after my appointment and emotional outbursts from having an alternate TCm whom is a man take me. Big nono on my part. Sorry guys but my reservations are due to different types of abuses from guys in my past. So I trust only Hubby [...]

I suck

rediscoveringme

Hey I suck. It says it all. Long story short.. the things I have been going through lately is adding to an already there depression. I was going down and getting up all of the time. A rollercoaster of emotions. I never even thought you can be in a depression and stay in depression and have an up and down w/in it. Like okay I am depressed then its worse I feel like dying. Then its not so bad to Yeah your worthless. I have stayed away from here be [...]

I am so confused..

rediscoveringme

I kind of found out some stuff that I am glad I did...but wish I didn't. It has been a hard coulple of weeks I am trying to deal with alot on my plate. I am ove4rwhelmedand don't anything to do with the outside world. I feel withdrawn and like I have to play babysitter to loved ones. I am really fed up.

Depression is starting to rule over me. I feel like I am being made to go absolutally mad. Like the loved one wants to push me ove [...]

Here I am

rediscoveringme

So if you haven't figured it out yet I do better writing in poetry and lashing out then in essay form I think. I just haven't figured out what to do with myself yet. Even with mymeds I am still having my ups and downs. It is ruff. Doesn't help when I am on again off again.

I haven't been having a million mood swings in a day like I used to. But I am having them. I can't tell if it is because the meds aren't working or if the BP [...]

Oh my God thank You for The"out"!

rediscoveringme

A potental hazard was avoided today when my husband came home ill. People's lives were saved from potential ravage mutilation due to the lack of presence of yours truly!

Here's why. Okay some of you may know of the deal with the knife, the idiot and my five year old. If not read past posts and diaries. Anyway was supposed to go to a friends house whom I was assured by another party said idiot wouldn't be there. At the last min [...]

Who am I?

rediscoveringme

Am I just a mother of two, with my husband three?

Am I the person Iwas or am I the person that will be?

Am I a lazy bum who never lifts a finger or talks on the phone all day?

Am I a hard working woman whom has no time for play.

Am I a garbage can for my spouce to dump on me?

Am I something more that after ten years he still can't see?

Am I good vs. evil as I feel I am from day to day?

Am I a complex package and answers can find no way?

Am I [...]

The right things are hard to do.

rediscoveringme

Unfortunately I have been having alot of emotional ups and downs. I am finding out that no matter who I want to become and who I am are nver going to mesh. I am too much of a cring personto just turn off my emotions. I have been trying to build a wall and alianate my self. I am trying to push a;ll but my immediate family away. Although my husband has been great I can't go to him with everything because his first reaction is to get rid of all that makes [...]

frustrated

rediscoveringme

okay so its been a moment since I wrote. I have been trying to deal with these ignorant people they call teachers in elemntary school! Why is it every time you bring something to their attention to remedy a problem before it gets larger they label your chilld as the problem and look for every wrong move they make. Worse off my son is in counciling for getting bullied and the fact that the school just doesn't listen when you tell them sh*t.

My son was jumped [...]

rediscoveringme

On mothers day I had a total of 15 people in my home. All of whom were family. I was dreading it because we are the typical fueding family. So I had my gaurd up. Oh by the wayI was told everyone was coming over the night before at a very late hour. Any way I am on one of my "I can conqure the world" moods and I am cleaning and rearraning everything.

My grandma has althiemers and demensia . My great aunt three times over is in&nbs [...]

DAY 1 In this group.

rediscoveringme

Just knowing I am trying to help myself empowers me. I have had a long road of frustratiuon and tears. I often annoy myself and am more self concios then I ever have been. Often timesI feel like an over grown child. I am on a treatment plan and I talk to professionals. I still have emotional outbursts at times though.

When you go through life feeling different and you fit in because you addapt easily but you don't feel you truely fit in bec [...]