I kind of found out some stuff that I am glad I did...but wish I didn't.  It has been a hard coulple of weeks   I am trying to deal with alot on my plate.  I am ove4rwhelmedand don't anything to do with the outside world.  I feel withdrawn and like I have to play babysitter to loved ones.  I am really fed up.

Depression is starting to rule over me.  I feel like I am being made to go absolutally mad.  Like the loved one wants to push me over the edge.  I just hope it doesn't backfire on them.  I am so worried about myself it is like I have two sides of me both unhealthy anymore.

I can't wait to go to my psych believe it or not.  I have this illusion that maybe this will all go away after talking to her.  The truth is I can't run or hide from myself anymore.  I feel like an embombination. 

Part of me keeps pushing while the othe wants to violently lash out.  It is taking all I have anymore to keep it together. 

I had to face the friend's son whom hurt my daughter yesterday.  The family rushed him away from me.  I thought I could handle it butu I was held back from ripping him apart.  He is suffering and strangely enough it makes me sad for him even though I hate him.  I am embarresed to admit half of what I feel or how I act anymore.  It is because I was never like this before.  AM I hiding behind my BP? Am seeing the truth and things aren't really as clouded as they seem?

I am also worried about something that I thought I long ago forgot.  A person had robbed me of my innocence long ago.  I was mentally abused and too terrified to fight back.  That person has been in jail for almost ten years now and he's getting out soon.  I never did anything to put him there, someone else had the courage to do it.  He was told I had a part in it though.  I could have stopped him and it took a child to put him there.  I was too selfish and did nothing to prevent it.

Now I wake screamiung that he's coming after me and my kids.  Am I lashing out on all I love because of this fear?  Is it even something I should worry about?  I am afraid he'll go after my kids, my husband, me....

I am afraid of what I am capeable of doing when I see him.  I have so much pent up emotion because of him.  I bottle things up too much I guess.  Most of all I am afraid I will black out if I ever cross paths or I will scream and draw attention.

To make things worse I am catching things I doubted would ever happen to me.  I will say one thing though, I will be damned if another man will walk all over me.  Anyone for that amtter.

Like I said I am confused.  Fight back, be submissive, enraged anger, depression, an overloaded short circut.  Is all  of this my fault?  I know only I can answer it but I feel I am too clouded in a secnce too.  I am litterally fighting myself everyday to keep it together.  I think if I go in and get hospitalized it may help,  if I do though noone will keep things in order.  I need my life and my husband and kids.  If one things jepordizes any of it I think I will stark raving mad....