|Feb 09 2012|
I managed to get 3-4 hours of sleep last night before the pups woke me up needing to go out. I felt more rested at least, but unfortunately the full-blown depression freak-out seems here to stay fornow. Usually if I can fall asleep I can wake up and more or less "reset", but not this time.
I have this mega-blinding headache in my right temple that hurts so badly that I nearly collapsed trying to walk to the bathroom. I had originally planned to do cardio and go out tonight to get coffee with a local group... now I'm struggling just to breathe. I can barely make it to a toilet much less exercise or drive somewhere.
My husband is quite frankly, being an ass. I know he's frustrated because he has no idea how to help me, and trust me, so am I. Last night I had expressed that I felt really discouraged about my cardio plan and I felt like I wasn't making any progress. He very sarcastically shot back at me "Oh yeah sure, you're not making ANY progress. Right." to which I replied "If you're going to be a jackass about it then I would rather you just not speak to me at all." "Well maybe YOU should stop saying jackass things!" Of course, an argument ensued, sort of. Eventually I just stopped talking and sat here in a daze, much like I'm doing now, and after he went off to bed I started crying very hard.
My husband has generally been very supportive of this healing journey of mine, but much like me, I think he's losing his patience. He never was very good about compassion for things he doesn't understand, but generally he would just give me space when he didn't understand.... lately he has just become pissed off which doesn't make matters any better.
Today he came home for some food and after an hour or so he finally asked what was bothering me. I was hesitant to speak, thinking that he was just going to get pissed off again, but the "logic voice" in my head said that he's trying to reach out and that i should try. I shouldn't have listened to Logic Voice. He said that the last time I got like this (to be fair, I don't think I was this bad, but I'm not sure.. always hard to tell when you're in it) that I told him to remind me that it isn't always this bad, that I've made progress, and that I've made it through things like this before. It was like he was just reading off a list of ingredients and expecting me to just magic out of this depression. I told him I was wrong.. that it doesn't help afterall. He got fed up with me pretty quickly and went back to work muttering that he isn't the person to talk because he's not a sympathetic ear and that he was too busy for this shit. I told him that the only sympathetic ears I have right now are the ones that are paid to listen to me talk (in retrospect I suppose I have the strangers of the internet, but honestly it is hard to feel like it matters when none of them really know me.) I also said "I need help, but I don't know now."
He left for work and I cried some more... I've spent hours today just staring into space, feeling like I'm leaving my own body. I got a text message that said "I love you. I hope you feel better soon." It actually made me angry. I suppose it was nice to feel something else for a brief moment. I just texted back the only thought I've been able to hold onto today: "I need help, but I don't know how." That's the only truth I can reason out today.
I haven't eaten anything today... I think my last meal was a pack of ramen noodles yesterday evening. Every time I go to try to eat I just feel sick. I don't feel like I deserve food right now. Sometimes the logical mind speaks up and says "Hey, you should eat something. It will help." but then by the time I walk to the kitchen that voice gets drowned out and I forget all about it.
I'm probably not going to get out for cardio today and I'm already hating myself for it. It's entirely my fault and I have nothing else to blame. Then again, I'm also not really surprised... I knew this would happen at some point.
I honestly don't know what to do. Writing is becoming a chore now.. I feel like it is so cliche and pointless right now, but I'm doing it. I thought about calling my therapist, but I don't even know what I'd say. She isn't exactly a crisis-mode kind of therapist (which generally speaking, is what I need.. just not right now.) I don't want to talk to anyone else about it because I know I"ll get a bunch of baseless bullshit responses back about how I've "made progress" and that this will "pass." Yes, I've made progress in some areas, but the self-motivation area, the actual will to LIVE (not just a lack of will to die)... I haven't found that yet. No, I'm not suicidal, honestly I don't even care enough for that, although I am miserable right now. I don't want to necessarily die, but I don't want to live either. It's like I'm a scrapped robot that just exists without a purpose.
After all this time?! WHY?!
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