|Jun 15 2010|
well im sad to say that im back. well not sad. glad kinda. i got a email from roy. which was really sweet. and im glad he sent it. it made me smile for the frist time in a while. right now im reallyconfused on my feelings. i think i like a guy. my teacher has a nephew who is in jail and my teacher told the class if we wanted to write his we could. i wrote a five page letter to a stranger and sent it. i told him things i wouldnt tell my mother. and you know what he said, he said i could tell him anything in the world and he wouldnt judge me. i like him after two letters sent. which is weird and not weird. first weird thing: hes everything im afraid of. hes im prison which doesnt bother me. he is in a gang. which scares me to death. i learned at a young age to stay away from them. hes a juggallo or however you spell it. which both bothers me and doesnt. i dont like it but i cant diss against it. my sisters one so its not a bad thing i guess. but not good either. next weird thing: hes a drug addict. this alone makes me sick. i hate hate hate hate drugs. i cannot watch someone throw away their life to them. knowing me i like a broken person because they can be fixed. which i know is completely insane. i like people who need fixing so i can help and idk fix them i guess. a few other weird things i will not say for his sake. but i dream about him. for someone who hasnt had a dream in six years its every weird. the sad thing about these dreams is hes always a "vampire"(long story.) ive never met this kid and im dreaming of him. for the last four or five days im dreaming of him. god its so weird. i dont know if i want to smile or frown at the dreams. well i wish i could tell my best friend but shes 1660 miles away. she finally moved. i think im attracted to her and i miss her like she was a "lover" i guess its cuz she is my only friend. i dont know why im writing this no one read them i guess to get it all of my chest. well back to Ryan. the guy i think i like. my mom and sister both say ive fallen for him. i CANT fall for him. i dont know him. i dont know anything about him. yet im going crazy waiting for his next letter. i sent him a picture of me.(ive seen him.) and im so afraid hes going to say im a fat pig or im ugly or somthing mean. well im actually afraid he wont write me at all. i wrote a six page letter and it was kinda mean. kinda meaning really. and im scared. what if he doesnt like me or what if... what if everything is wrong. i keep telling myself hes just a guy whos in jail and your his pen pal other people write him your just a pen pal but this part of my mind is saying he might want someone innocent. but grr i hate myself for all this. my mind is driving me insane. my thoughts wont stop and each have the name ryan in them and one other thing before i get off. i can quote his damn letters and that bothers me. i can quote them like a book. im curious if anyones every had anything like this. my mind is saying "your the only one crazy enough to". well id also like to know how everyone else is doing. im a very good listener. god bless everyone.
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