|May 30 2012|
This is my first attempt ever to keep an active diary. I don't know much about them and I'm positive that it will be politically incorrect. But, I'll give it a try.
I've been recently diagnosed with Bipolar II and anxiety disorder. I haven't even had time to digest that tasty little bite before I'm diagnosed with ADD, today. I am far from coming to terms with any of it and am devastated by all of it. How can an individual achieve what I have achieved and be diagnosed this way? Sure, I was hyper-focused in college. Yes, I found myself so low that suicide was the only option. (Thank God I didn't get that far before help found me) True, the meds weren't working until an anti-psychotic medication was added. And of course, I had highs and lows all my life. Who and how does one look at those factors and judge that you are something with such a stigmata? How do I know that the doctors are right? Of course, I could ask why would I think they are wrong. The truth is, I don't know. I am confused. How am I going to work this way? I'm a walking pharmacy. And worse, how am I to be a parent now? How am I to be what I was before? Where does the disease end and the person begin?
Maybe I'll never know. I feel like I'm looking into a muddy mirror, always trying to see who I really am. The world looks different but I'm the same person. I'm just labeled and drugged now. Right? I really don't know. I guess today, I'm a little angry at the whole business. Better to be angry than to be crying, I suppose.
I just wish I knew where to look for all the answers. I wish I knew that there were answers to find.
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