|May 04 2009|
im finding it really hard to keep going and i know its a selfish thought especially since i only have 10 weeks left til bub is born but i feel like i am going insain and its mental and physically atthe same time..
i cant seem to hold a conversation or get my brain to work when i need it to i cant remember things i say or am told ... i dont have any energy and when i do its very short lived... i always feel like i have a flu or headache or something... the dr's cant seem to work out why my body is going crazy.. all i can think about is trying to get better and punishing myself for having thoughts i thought i was over... ie cutting... burning ...
i seemd to have stuffed up a very special friendship to me by not being myself not being able to think about other things or hold conversations or well be the "normal" me if there ever was a normal me... they feel i have become moody and needy and selfish in some sense and really had no problem telling me how strongly they felt it... i dont want to be that person .. i dont want to be sick anymore i dont want to have the option of si taken off me cause i have my son inside me... i cant stop crying i hate everything at the moment and i cant think straight... and the worst thing is even as im writing this i know i sound like im whinging which makes me not only want to punish myself for being like this and ruining a friendship but for being so weak and so whingy...
man i hope i can see some light soon its been dark for some time now and the last lights i saw have now be turned off... what do i do???
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