falling down deeper and deeper , it gets darker and colder everyday

I refuse to express my hearts aching... the inner true pain i hold there.

No tears will i let fall trying desperatelyto grab on to something to some form of safety rail to make some sense of my exsistance...

I try and justify my being through my kids my beautiful daughters i try to justify myself by my marriage with my perfect husband... but i know i am really just hiding behind a smoke screen i alone have created.

I will never be all they need all they diserve.. i dont know how !!!

I want to but cant where would i even startneeding guidence but finding corners and closed doors. Wanting to trust someone with my heart whole heartidly but cant get close to anyone really... what if one day i snap? give up? I dont want to even take the chance of hurting them they diserve so much more from me they diserve stability ... i cant give this..

i love my family but i know in my heart im wrong for any of them... i have no mother i have 1 sibling out of 4 i have a husband i have two daughters but i can not be good enough for any of them... my mother tells me this everytime she gets a chance.

how do i spare them? how do i be all they need? how do i get better?