i am numb... i feel pain but can not release it in fear i will not stop.. the tears threaten to come but i hold my eyes closed so tight they hurt like hell.

i am home back to the routine backto the country life but away from my pop who will go next.. and with him the pride of saying there are 5 generations alive in our family... i hate death i hate loss and i hate not being able to look after those who always fought for me who helped me see i had potential when everyone else hit, cursed and hurt me..

my heart is heavy my chest so tight it hurts to breathe... my spirit is weakened but in time im sure it and i will heal like i have millions of times over this is just another notch in my ever growing belt...

now is the time to get up and keep fighting not to show weakness and to fight for what i have and be the glue to hold it all together... my nan is the angel watching over me...  i miss you nan....