why is the phone always got someone on the other end full of judgement or painful memories? why is the day never really long enough to do all i have set out to acheive leaving me feeling like a failure?

why do i go to bed asking nan to come and tell me if she is happy and if im going to be okay.. i want to be okay...i want to be happy i want to be sincerley happy no more fake laughs or smiles no more socialising because i feel there is no way out of it gracefully. why am i being thrown back into a routine from the family from my friends.

all i want is to curl up in bed and contemplate to think to refind myself... I hate being like this nightmares everytime i close my eyes... i hear it i smell them i feel it i hate it.         i want to heal i want to be all i can be for my husband my daughters and my brother i want to be reliable i want to be nurturing all the time i want to be proud of myself... do something right without thinking oh but if i did it this way it would have been better why can i not be happy with what i have why do i see things in black and white? i want to be happy i want to be complete i want to feel like im a good person again..

god dam am i going nuts or am i depressed again or am i so numb im not sure what the hell is going on.. how do i seal these feelings and bury them again deep inside myself never to rear its ugly head again?? how??