ok so i harmed a few days ago... it was sooo um well as much as i sholdnt say it out loud i have to ... NICE i felt again but the problem is it has opened a doorway to emosion and feeling which i havenever had before and well i dont really like it..

i got pictures of my granparents in a email yesterday no the day before.. some of nan alive and some in her casket... and well pop is still here so obviously i like looking at his so much more than nans she dosnt look like her!!!! she looks like a stranger it is really true i guess the eyes are the window to the soal and once they are shut it really dosnt look like anyone anymore does it??

well i also spent the day i actually looked at them trying to talk someone out of suicide and to get medical attension and felt like i was hitting my head against a wall at times... im a self harmer not a head dr or a nurse... i felt like i was way out of my league there and i felt so under pressure and paranoid that the next thing i might say would send them over...

so today has been trying to get my head around everything i have been given the last week or so i threw my job in too it was too much for me the working and the kids and the house and going back on the vallium.... aarrgghh i hate the drugs!!! they make me tired but my night terrors have come back with a vegence as if to say ... oh really trying not to sleep so you dont have us well your asleep now so here you go... i hate sleep!!!

man im doubting everything at the moment... my abilities to be a good positive support leader ... a good mum and friend and a good wife all i want to do is lock myself up in my room and watch the days pass me by... i miss my nan..... wish i could pick up the phone and call her...

what does a non believer in any god think of death??? i am really not sure.