Confused & Lost

    I've been so confused lately and it seems like it doesn't get any easier as the days pass. I long ago left the fairy-tale dream in my head that Kyle and I would get married and raise Melody together as a family. I finally have accepted that it wont happen the way I thought it would. I've cried all the tears I can, and I've lost hope that things would change. I took off the beautiful diamond promise ring Kyle gave me when we found I was pregnant and put it in the box on the shelf to just pick up dust...

        Once again though Kyle has confused me. He talks about "our family" and how I'm number one in his life. He asks me about where I would want to raise her and if I see marrying him in my future. I never know how to respond, a glitter of hope always flashes through me, but I know not to believe it. I know that showing any interest in what he says, will make him take it all back. Why does he have to even bring those things up then? I finally am coming into acceptance of placing Melody up for adoption. I'm grieving the loss of my baby girl, even though she is still inside of me and I feel her kick. I've trained my heart to not get attached, to look at all the negatives of pregnancy...and then Kyle comes around and has to take all the strength I've gathered for weeks and practically have it all thrown in the garbage. 

      G-d, why can't he just make a decision and stick to it? If he wants to be with me, then just come out and tell me--stop hinting! And if he doesn't, stop trying to put ideas into my head and just be honest. Or if he's not sure, don't say a thing. Telling me one day you want to date other girls and the next that I would be a perfect wife, it isn't fair to play with my feelings like that. If I'm the one for you tell me, manifest to the wold. Make a plan to grow old with me... but if not that's okay too. Just make up your mind because I can't wait much longer for you to make up your mind. I just want the best for me daughter, I just want her to have a dad that loves her more than life itself...