|Sep 26 2011|
We had a big fight over the weekend, he broke more of my stuff, ruined some of my clothes, stole more pictures (but I stole then back)then wants to say how sorry he is and that he is just so hurt that I did him wrong he is trying so hard to forgive me. I just give in so I can have a moment to breathe. He has me so exhausted with the childish games that even when I'm so tired my eyes burn, I can't fall asleep bcuz I can't stop my mind from thinking of how and why am I still here! How do I leave when all I keep doing is making excuses why. Like ok next pay, or after I hide tge rest of my stuff. My son keeps saying mom he is slowly killing u and your letting him. It's sad when your kids are even telling u to leave. I don't understand why I can't just tell him I'm done. He was gone and I was free and my stupid ass went back and now look at me! I'm a wreck. I can't focus at work, he hounds me all day and night. I have to listen to the same questions and bs over and over! I'm 36 and we fight about facebook and text messages like a dam teenager! I'm so sick of it. We are about to lose the house and even that's my fault! If I wasn't talking to men none of this would have happened!
I can't seem to understand why I'm still here. I'm allowing myself to be treated this way. I've read the books and I understand he won't change, I'm not in love with him anymore, I want out but who do I lay next to every night telling him we are gonna work it out eventually. I want to smile again. I want to be happy.
My heart actually feels broken
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