peanut

Tonight I am scared. I had alot of work to do before my grandparents moved into my in-laws. I had gotten very little done yesterday do to the pain in my legs and feet and with how hot it was outside. Sotoday I got the bedroom cleaned out and the carpet pulled up and I couldn't do any more. My in-laws are pack rats so this took me about 4 hours of nonstop work. My brother-inlaw takes alot of pain meds so I knew it was available, and I took a tramadol. NOT something I usually do! I do not even like taking perscibed pills, so I felt bad for taking it. That is until I felt no more pain for the first time in about a week! It was great and I got alot more work done and actualy felt like I was acomplishing something. I have been feeling bad that my house has been getting a mess and I had to keep telling everyone I can't help them with stuff. I am always the one people count on and it's hard to say no I can't. So this is my fear, I liked it and I know I can get more of it. If my feet hurt as bad as they have tomarrow when I am sapposed to help some more over there, what do I do ????? I don't want to get hooked on anything! I see my sister hooked on Vicaden and she lays in bed alot and never feels good and is very unhappy and unsociable. I don't want to be that. But tired of hurting. UGH! Last night was the first night my hands started to cramp up as well and they started to hurt after cleaning today. It feel like my hands are going to cripple up so tight that they will stay that way. Can that happen? This disease and pain have made me somewhat a different person and I hate it. I have been really hard on my kids the past few days again and it hurts them terribaly. I can't hardly stand it! Does it ever get better for more than just a day or two? SCREAM! CRY! NUMB!   My hands hurt to bad now so gotta go try and sleep. I hope I don't have another nightmare about one of my living parents dieing again! CRY again. Goodnight.