Paulette's Ponderings

I'm sitting here thinking about how excited I was when I had money from the sale of our family home and I could buy what I wanted.  I had just began to transition and the magic of the fashionworld was new to me.  I was going out to buy a basic wardrobe.  I was like a kid in a candy factory. If I saw a sweater I liked, I wanted it in all the colors available.  I was learning about makeup and beard cover, wigs, walking, deportment, thinking as female, etc..  I would never dream of going out without shaving and doing my makeup.  I had to be properly coordinated in order to pass.  Passing was very important.  I believe my transition during this time actually took precedent over my Christian life.  I had been a Christian for thirteen years and it was my life, but my transition just took over.  I was a maturing teenage girl.  It was exciting, and before I knew it, the money was gone.  I soon learned about everyday life of a young woman.  No fancy frills and frocks.  Just doing what needs to be done, with the occasional fun time thrown in.  A woman still needs her fun.  Times took a serious turn when my wife of eleven years died.  Now I am in another ten year old relationship and I can tell you it does not matter if my makeup is on or I am shaved. I could care less about passing.  I am tired and the hardworking years of before are catching up with me in the form of arthritis and sore joints.  My main passion is pleasing God and doing what I am here for - help God bring in his family.  I love life, people, animals.  I try to make the most of what is left of this life and look forward to the life to come.  I am just fascinated by the process of maturity.