Diary Entries for kayber

changing perspective

kayber

It has been suc a difficult few days but I feel like I might finally be getting somewhere.

After years of feeling strange and 'dizzy' and scared to go out incase I had an episode and all those years of having doctors say we don't know or you might be panicking or there's nothing wrong and to finally know there is a possible explanation for why I have been feeling so strange is crazy.

It is hard to explain how it feels at this point. This has impacted my life so gr [...]

Exposure therapy

kayber

Yesterday my therapist came and it was hardcore. I knew we were planning to go out but when she said 'yes i'm hoping to stay out for an hour' i nearly lost it. I cried for about ten minutespsyching myself up to out. It is really embarassing. I really do seem to have left my bravery somewhere!

As soon as I got outside I just felt overwhemed. I know its because I haven't done any exposure for a month but it felt brutal. Also, there were lots of neighbours in the stre [...]

more of the same

kayber

This morning I came downstairs and immediately my mum went off at me. Nice to know she had camed down from yesterday.

Again she was saying 'are you going to get up and go to work, no you do nothing with your life' so all postive affirmations.

What gets me is that she has become so cruel. I don't expect her to accept or understand this issue but the jibes and put downs are not necessary. i feel myself getting so angry and upset but there is just no point because she doe [...]

family meltdown!

kayber

So today just got a whole lot worse. Things blew up with my parents big time! This whole situation is more than I can handle now. The things they come out with are so cruel I just don't know whatto do anymore. I need to get away from them but I can't because of my condition. I have no money or place to go but I cannot cope with this anymore.

I wish I knew someone else like me becuase I have no idea if this is how most family's are about this stuff.

My mum makes cruel j [...]

desperate not depressed

kayber

So in the last week this whole situation has, I feel, pushed me to the limit. The pressure of trying to get better, my family losing patience with me, knowing i'm going to be 25 soon withno certain prospect of recovery etc etc. All this compounds to make me feel quite desperate and yes down but not depressed.

I do love life (not necessarily mine right now). I see joy and appreciate all the things going on (maybe that makes it more painful, knowing what i'm NOT doing) [...]

changing therapist

kayber

So I might be changing my therapist pretty soon which is a bit scary but also a good thing I think.

The therapist I have now is nhs (nationa health service) and whilst the nhs is great their mental health services are just not that good. Since the new government came in they made so many cuts and changes to psychological therapies that the care on offer is poor.

As a result of my previous meeting with the therapist in which she said they may discharge me in august if there isn' [...]

embarassing encounter!

kayber

This week has been full of strange experiences. Given my infection my doctor decided to send me to a clinic at my local hospital.

This in itself was terrifiying but my severe health concernsoutweighed my fear so I got in a taxi and went (have not used public transport in 2 years!

I think I underestimated my anxiety as once I arrived at the clinic I was pretty much having a full blown internal meltdown. I always wonder if people can tell how anxious I am just by looking at me! Pro [...]

short term pain for long term gain??

kayber

I haven't written in a few days as have gone into a bit of a bad phase. I have been suffering with an infection which ofcourse triggered terrible anxiety in me (most of my fear is health related). This also meant that I HAD to leave the house to get to my doctor. Both my parents were away so I had to go and pick up a prescription. My doctor is only one road away but I can tell you I have not felt terror like that in so long. The last time I stepped out my front door was two months previou [...]

when it rains it pours.

kayber

Today was so bad. I managed to completely embarass myself. I had a meeting arranged with my therapist and my gp and completely lost it and could not leave the house. I felt so embarassed I don't really know why I freaked out so much but just could not stop crying.

In the end my therapist went to discuss my programme with my gp without me. She came back and told me what they discussed which is that I basically have until august and if I don't improve I will be discharged. I feel [...]

medication or not?

kayber

This is a quetsion that keeps going round and round in my head and I really am not sure what to do. I was on medication for 6 years (sertraline/ zoloft) but during the last year it didn't do anything(I might even say made me a little worse). I wanted to see what it would feel like to be off medication so, with great difficulty came off of it.

Then things fluctuated and I panicked and tried another drug (escitalopram? not sure if i've spelled that correctly) and had a bad reactio [...]

therapy and more exposure

kayber

So today my therapist came to see me for our regular session. Today she wanted to expose me to 'dizziness' because it is the symptom that terrifies me. So I went through all theexercises inducing various degrees of dizziness and then rated how I felt. She also wants me to hyperventilate at some point which terrifies me and even though I understand the reasoning behind it i'm scared it might make me feel more afraid/ pass out.

I wonder if this is a normal pa [...]

heart worries..again!

kayber

Today has been a bad day in terms of symptoms and worries. This is what started my severe health anxiety in the first place.

I have been feeling so dizzy all day and having bad palpitaions! Then I start all my worries again and feel completey struck by the fear and constant thought that I am about to collapse!

I did have some heart testing a year ago and all came back ok but I can't help doubting and thinking that something is up if my symptoms are worsening/ persisting. I al [...]

first exposure task

kayber

so today I took myself for a (very short) walk. It was literally up my road and back but it felt like everest. I was ok but then started getting a bit panicky as I reached the end of the road and wasgripped by the 'terror.' It was also slightly embarassing as I had to pass the same man painting his fence twice but I guess a bit of embarassment is the least of my worries!

As the walk was so short I didn't really have long enouh for the anxiety to subside but for the mome [...]

meeting with my therapist

kayber

Yesterday my therapist came to see me and discuss my treatment plan and it all seems fairly scary but I feel glad to have something in place atleast. It's been a very hard week as my family hasbecome incredibly frustrated with the way I am and I guess they are concerned about whether I can get better or not. I find it so hard feeling so dependant on them at 24! Unfortuntely I know this is not a quick process and I hope I can improve but I have no way of knowing for certain how things will [...]

bit of a bad day

kayber

For some reason today was really difficut. I have found myself going from feeling ok and positive to incredibly anxious. I guess it's just one of those days. My friend came over this morning whichwas lovely but as soon as she asked me how i'm doing I just burst out crying! The last week I havent left the house at all and am feeling fairly frustrated as I have run out of milk and other items but am feeling too scared to venture to the shop. (its very close but still feels like an impos [...]

Stuck.

kayber

This is my first time writing on here but am so glad I found a place to put my thoughts! I have struggled with panic disorder pretty much constantly since I was 14 and have gone through various cyclesof treatment and was able to get on with things pretty normally until about a year and a half ago. I became unwell and the symptoms were so frightening to me that gradually I began going out less and less until going out seemed like a distant memory!

Long story short I had to leave my maste [...]