|Nov 29 2008|
I've realised in recent months, that I am terrified of physical affection. Not from everyone, mind. I'm fine with my sisters and my friend Mel. There are even a couple guys I'm ok with, namely Joe, BB, and Mike. But other than that, I can't stand having guys near me. Hugs are ok, if they're from a friend, but beyond that I get really nervous.
My lungs squeeze and I can't get enough breath. I can't speak. My brain starts racing in a terrified mantra that goes something like "runawayrunawayrunaway!"
For the longest time, I had no idea what made me so frightened. Just recently I realized that it was my experience with my ex. I was always terrified to be alone with him. He was never unkind really, and he respected my desire to remain abstinent. I think that's about where he drew the line though. Everything else was cool with him, and I didn't know how to say no. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, and everytime I would try to regain some of my rights to personal space, he would question my love for him and get really depressed.
By the time we broke up, I became physically ill any time we were alone together. I couldn't stand having him near me because I knew what would happen. A hug would turn into a kiss. A kiss turned into groping and making out. I was afraid to deny him, and more afraid to let him near me.
And now what has come of it? I have a boyfriend now who is kind and respectful and loving. And I don't want him anywhere near me. I can't let him hold me because I am afraid of what he might do. Even though I know he wouldn't. I need to find someway of getting beyond this. I just don't know how. Does anyone else have any ideas?
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