|Jun 27 2012|
Fear can be a powerful emotion. It has always been the hardest emotion for me to deal with. As the daughter of a militaristic, rage aholic dad who emotionally and sexually abused me, I opted to walk on eggshells to survive. I lived in fear every day and night of my childhood. I followed the rules and showed no rebellion or resistance. Sending my dad into a rage was not an option to me. Telling someone about what he did to me every night when the house was asleep was also not an option. I was afraid of my dad till the day he died. He died about seven years ago from Lung cancer and still the thought of him can bring on anxiety attacks.
In marriage, I chose a man who is twenty years older than me. I mistook his undivided attention as love. I soon learned that there is a huge difference between true love and a controlling man. I had very little time alone and no time for friendships. I was propelled into his family and basically denied my own for many years. I truly could not see all this while I was with him. He had such a way of manipulating that caused me extreme confusion. He is a master at twisting words, manipulating facts, and making one feel like they've lost their mind. I see it all now. I am ashamed that I let so many years go by under his thumb. But I am glad that I am able to see the light even if it took me 22 years.
I want to make sure that I never make this mistake again. I know that I had few life skills when I met him because of my horrible childhood. But now I want to learn why I allowed myself to stay and be blind for so long with him. I want this to be a life lesson. I want to grow and to make something beautiful out of all this mess.
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